So, Just talked to the surgeon's (Who I still don't like…) and i'll be having surgery this Friday at 11am, Finally it took them a fucking week to even decide what they were going to do in the first place.

Luckily, That doctor I really hate isn't on duty this week, So hopefully that will reduce my panic attacks that i'm having, also for my depression and social anxiety, they've changed my medicine it's prozac now.

The dose is 60 (it can go up to 80 I think) So we'll see how that works, I've been on it for a week now and usually takes about 2 weeks to get into the system of whatever, But I highly doubt that it's going to help.

I've been on four other meds for that or whatever and it never helps, AT ALL. but whatever, Ihave to much to worry about then that right now.

The nurse also weighed me today, I've lost even more weight (and still no one knows it's part of my ED's, they think it's related to the gallbladder and crohn's and all the other shit going on right now.

The rest is the same, with the disorders and self-esteem and etc. but again, I just can't deal with that when I'm around nurses and doctors 24/7, I've been here for like 2months…So I hope after surgery recovery I can leave soon.

Being around people so much has set my social anxiety up100fold, I just want to go back to my room and never come out, to just perish in my own mind, Y'know?

Also, Whenever I do sleep- which is SUPER rare- I'm still having those nightmares, The one I had early this morning had to do with Ali…I still miss her SO much, I feel so stupid and pathetic since she probably hasn't spared a second thought over me….

I even ended up writing a song (which I wasn't planning on, I just started writing and a song formed) and part of it was about her, Am I that stupid? God i'm an idiot!

I'm just a place mat for people to walk on…Like I said, I want to just stay in my room, write stories, listen to music, and never go outside. I want to fade out of people's memories, I don't mean that much to anyone anyway.

Well, Enough of this pity rant, Sorry that my post after awhile is so whiny, And at the bottom is a picture I drew, I actually plan to color in this picture because I've had it planned out in my head for awhile, So when I finish coloring it, I'll also post that.

Hope this version isn't to bad, btw has anyone heard of a book series called "Nightshade" ? Just wondering…Well see everyone later…

2 Comments
  1. Mo 12 years ago

    You have amazing talent. From one artist to another; there have been times when doing artwork is the only break from the intense anxiety and life situations that go one. looking forward to when you post it and that the surgery puts you on the road home. You are in our thoughts and I\'m glad you blogged. Hang in there – things will eventually change. I dont know how or when I just been alive long enough to know they will. I understand just wanting to be in your room- you might need that when this is over- a respite from a VERY difficult time.

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  2. Chantale 12 years ago

    What a beautiful picture…even in black and white. I look forward to see the coloured version. Good luck on your surgery and please take care.

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