Hi Everyone, I haven't been on in a long time. I thought I was doing better, but these last few weeks have been a true test of my resolve. And I'm failing.

I found out recently that my ex will be having a defibrillator implanted in his chest in 2 months. He had a heart attack in Jan 2011, and it hasn't healed enough to make the doctors, or him, happy. Or me, for that matter. Even though I'm so angry at him for his affair, I still care. The financial problem with this is that he will no longer be able to do his job. He's a truck driver. He will never drive a truck again. He has been told he will still be employed at the yard, but for a significant drop in pay. When he left our family, I kept the house (2 mortgages) and the car (new!). Without his financial support, I can't afford this house. I don't have cable, just Netflix streaming. I buy as little food as possible and only what is on sale (most of the time). I download only free books for entertainment or get the $1.00 book bags from the library for the kids. Clothes- Goodwill. Other entertainment? Nope. Don't eat out too often, maybe twice per month. I'm doing everything. I possibly can to cut back. He says he won't let us starve. "But we might have to do without some other things." … There is nothing else to cut back on…

Then I get the notice in the mail that my 1st mortgage is going up by $160 every month. Then I find out I need $1600 worth of dental work done. I'm in the middle of a divorce, so I have my attorney to pay. Two kids that have birthdays coming up (Sunday and again in August), I get paid once a month and with myself and two kids (not including what he pays – it will drop dramatically after his surgery) we are under the poverty level. I'm looking for a better paying job, but since I had to drop out of school when he had his heart attack, I'm not "qualified" to do what I'm already doing now at any other place.

I'm so frustrated and anxious about the future of my family. I don't know where else to turn. For all the crap I've had to deal with, I thought I'd be doing better by this time in my life. This is NOT where I thought I'd be 15 years ago. I was on the right path, and then I made a horrible choice in spouses. I love my kids, but I hate myself for choosing him as their father. I should have done better by them. And now, I don't believe that I can do any better, nor do I really want to try.

~ WomanScorned


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