I'm a walking controversy and it wears me out. I wear myself out. I've been desperate for a relationship for half my life now but i just as much don't want one because it would be like agreeing with the world, and myself, and i don't. I literally have nothing. Theres nothing behind this.
The way men look at me when they're interested makes me need to realease this anger for protection that makes me feel ill. They're revolting and it's disgusting.I feel the sameprotection thing when they do it to other women but obviously they like it, which i'll never understand.I have to feel that anger incase i need to defend myself but i never get a chance to use it so it attacks me really hard, like poison through my system. In the real world i would mess their face up. I wouldn't really have the confidence but if i really had a reason and really needed to i might be able to unleash it and i so want to. Maybe it's a good thing i'm not though becausethe attention would make me so anxious and i couldn't stand it, and then theymightbe more interested in you anyway.
I'm so sick of not beingable to meet poeple and make friends and get involved with anything wothout people in the end just wanting me to leave. I needprofessional help to understand the most basic social thing's and theres no one there to tell me still so i'm clueless. I don't know what i'm doing wrong orright, i make the samemistakes over and over again, well i must be because i'm not getting anywhereand i have noidea where to look for those mistakes. I basically really really need help and i can't get it for myself. I'm home alone and mybrain feels like it's attacking itself because i still can't get in life. And i need professionals to talk to to help me but theres no one. I even had a chance of going to things but missed them so now i'm not taken seriously. Talking to people is too much for me but i need them and i try but i fail and i then i'm just wanted to leave, every single time. What is it that people want? What am i doing wrong? I know theres no evidence to work that out from here and i'm hogging replies but yes, i'm greedy and i need replies! Maybe it's because i'm greedy. I do feel like i have to be perfect to be able to live life a bit.
If someone invited me to a social thing now, i would either same myself and everybody else a lotof confusion and embarrassment by not doing it but feeling really guilty for turning it down, or i would try, and fail. And when i fail i really REALLY try. I try to talk and make friends with everyone who approaches me and try to be confident even though i'm screaming inside but people don't like me, well it's not that they don't like me because they never say that but it's something else. I end up going through anyone i'm introduced to and everyone will think they love me at first then start ignoring me and i will end up with one left who is just absolutely desperate for a girlfriend and hasn't been able to get one all their life and when i can finally get it into their heads that i'm never going to be interested, they leave me!!! Then i'm by myself as akward as akward can get but i'm determined and push myself to not run away from the situation but then i enter a really exhausting state when people start noticing and realising theres somethign wrong with me and that i have no friends or whatever it is that makes them not want to speak to me. This is probably all my fault in a way but i really don't know. The main problem is i just don't know. I don't know if there is anything even wrong with me. Someone would have to tell me but they don't and that's why i have a lot of envy and i don't know what the other word is for people in the past right now. It's where people want you to fail because they want all the good. they want to be on top. They ignore you even though you idolise them. The moment you had something interesting going on, you know they would have been right in it and pretending to like you so they could take it right out fo your life for themselves. I think this is part of being in the wrong body too. Im feeling like this about a girl from years ago right now and i hate her soo much for not having all of my problems. i feel like i wish she had all of my problems all at once, all exactly as bad as meand it would be like "there, now see what its like from my position". she wouldnt ignore me then and be picky and choosy with her friends to perfection but i hate that she'll never get in that position. its not just her though, shes a model for how i feel this feeling with the whole world right now. I want everyone to have all of my problems! so that thye're notflaws anymore against everyone else
(anyway about the socialsituation thing) thats thethe routine, but now that i know i'm seperated from girls by the barrier of not being a girl, that has helped me understand completely where my problems are. I'm going to have to make it obvious at first glance so people realise. That's going to be hard. It hurt so much when people think they love you then they don't even want to be around you at all once they get to know you. I'ts not always been like that in every single case though. There are a few people who i had bonds with who just forgot and chased other things and diddn't bother. Which hurts because i remember people forever.