I am having such a sad, anxious day today. It is just filling me up inside. I hate my OCD and I hate how hard it is to fight it. I just dread when it gets dark out because I know that means it will be time to lock the house up soon and it is such an exhausting process.
I live in a big house….3000 square feet. And I hate it. It is too big. It overwhelms me. It feels like the boogeyman to me. Especially when I am home alone at night. I wish I lived in a smaller house closer to the city. I feel so isolated here and afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of, I know. I have a great big German Shepherd, and we have an alarm system and a gun. But for some reason I just feel apprehensive all the time at night. I know it isn't real. It is just what my anxiety has chosen to "latch onto" this time in order to stay alive. I haven't been living my life well the past few months. I lost my twins and my brother in law, and I have been smoking too many cigarettes and having too many beers, and not sleeping well and not talking to myself properly. I have allowed myself to relapse back into my anxiety/OCD problems to the point that it is really interfering with my life. And I have to start taking care of myself and confronting this problem head on or it is never going to go away.
No more beers at night for me, and I am going to wean myself off the ciggies. I never should have started up again, but after I lost my pregnancy I just said "Who cares?" And I am going to start purposefully doing things I am scared of. And most importantly I am going to really start focusing on talking to myself in a positive way, and not dwelling on the gloomy feelings. Cuz they aren't based on anything real. There is no such thing as the boogeyman.
I hope you feel better soon. You are making a good choice, with your lifestyle changes. Quitting smoking can be very difficult for some, so be prepared to reward yourself as you make progress. Some make several attempts, so think of each time as (so many) days quit, and not as failure. We OCDers dwell so much on failure, at least I do, so this can be easier said than done.
I cannot express my sadness at the loss of your loved ones and that your OCD has grown. OCD is terrible, painful, anxious and unrelenting. I am feeling its pain now like you. I hope we find relief and comfort in this difficult time. I will pray for this for you.
\\..I am really hoping this doesn't sound all self-help & Dr. Dyer-ish..however I from time 2 time have posted a mantra in here which has helped me overcome times of intense fear & extreme self-doubt..its called the "Litany Against Fear" from Frank Herbert's classic novel "Dune"..as its a little bit long I won't rewrite it in here however its easily google-able & it is likewise found in my blog-list under the said title..good luck with all your hurdles & be strong..\\