I am having such a sad, anxious day today. It is just filling me up inside. I hate my OCD and I hate how hard it is to fight it. I just dread when it gets dark out because I know that means it will be time to lock the house up soon and it is such an exhausting process.
I live in a big house….3000 square feet. And I hate it. It is too big. It overwhelms me. It feels like the boogeyman to me. Especially when I am home alone at night. I wish I lived in a smaller house closer to the city. I feel so isolated here and afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of, I know. I have a great big German Shepherd, and we have an alarm system and a gun. But for some reason I just feel apprehensive all the time at night. I know it isn't real. It is just what my anxiety has chosen to "latch onto" this time in order to stay alive. I haven't been living my life well the past few months. I lost my twins and my brother in law, and I have been smoking too many cigarettes and having too many beers, and not sleeping well and not talking to myself properly. I have allowed myself to relapse back into my anxiety/OCD problems to the point that it is really interfering with my life. And I have to start taking care of myself and confronting this problem head on or it is never going to go away.
No more beers at night for me, and I am going to wean myself off the ciggies. I never should have started up again, but after I lost my pregnancy I just said "Who cares?" And I am going to start purposefully doing things I am scared of. And most importantly I am going to really start focusing on talking to myself in a positive way, and not dwelling on the gloomy feelings. Cuz they aren't based on anything real. There is no such thing as the boogeyman.