Today i started my 3rd course in the second semester of my last year in medicine.its forensic medicine, its very sad specialty , as you mostly deal with dead people. honestly i don’t know how to describe my feelings. its like its only imagination and that never did happen , but you go back again and think its a man who died its not a class or exam but a human died just one week ago and you need to be part of his autopsy so you can go further
last night i could not sleep well i wake so early like at 3:00 a.m in the morning for me it was good thing because i had dissociation already , i wake up so it means my brain is ready for such things.i wake up at 3:00 a.m and then i just could not go back to sleep because of thinking how will be my reaction toward the dead person.i could not go to sleep so i took lusy my dog for a walk it was 6:00 a.m at the time i went back at 6:30 a.m got ready and went to my class i stoped by costa and grabbed a coffee, i was afraid that im gonna through up. i went to the bulding where are having the classes its oczki 1 called in polish Medycyna sądowa which means forensic medicine i entered the building and i was searching for my colloquies
first we had seminar and it was introduction to forensic medicine and later was the practical part which was an autopsy on a man who in his 50 he was traveling to warsaw with his secretary and he just collapse few days later and died , the secretary said that the man reported some chest pain , but he did not seek any medical help about his chest pain which during the autopsy indeed the man had a very diseased heart which caused his death.
Today was a very horrible day as i saw a person in his 20 and had committed suicide, i don’t know what to feel or what to think all what can i say is that i failed in front of him.what else i had this obsessions that i will do something very stupid in the room where they do autopsy like there is a sharp tool they use it to cut the skull i have this thoughts that you will do something stupid with it. I wish this tool did not exist or at least i don’t have this obsessions.i went to my polish language class and i could not complete the class and i was crying because of what i have to see every morning for those couple of days.what i can say is may god help me with this.
Today was very long we saw an autopsy of a man who was hit by a car, and was in the hospital for 3 weeks then he died. The man did not die because of the accident he died because of pneumonia and sepsis.these days i feel very tired not just physically but also mentally. i feel so sick of forensic medicine now its only 3 days to go then hopefully i pass it with good grad.
what bothers me is first my weight i have gained almost 20 kg because of olanzapin for sure and because of i eat sweet more then before.today i was in the mall and i wanted to buy new clothes for me and i could not because everything was small i felt disappointed and that every thing was small.Everytime i try a diet i just fail cause i just don’t have time to deprive myself from the things i love.another issue is my father i feel i don’t love him , because i know he only love him self and he just ask me about exams and how did it go ? he does not ask about me how im ? i feel some time i hate him and i know its not a good thing.but i cant force myself to love him , i can only force myself to respect him as anyone else.
and try to set borders cause its all what matter respect comes before love
its not like i love you but i don’t respect you.
Today i went to the classes late it was 9:30 a.m i did not have any breakfast i was so tired. thank god the dr did not say anything to be.
we had seminar about gunshot injures it was wired we even saw real bullet
its my first time to see a real bullet.later we had an autopsy of a man who
died suddenly in his office, all the time i was setting a way all the time.
the reason of his death was cardiopulmonary failure.its sad just to know that a person can die just suddenly without any apparent reason.later i went costa coffee i bought coffee latte with blueberry muffin.later i went back to the apartment by metro. when i went back i bought lunch from subway
i went back i clean the dog place and later went out again to the bank , but i could not catch they closed when i arrived. later on i went back to the apartment i had appointment with the owner because im changing my flat
to another smaller flat.now i need to write some homework i hope things will be fine.
Today im very happy because i have finished forensic medicine course yes forever , i feel forensic medicine has changed me a lot that you just think one day everything will going to finish.i feel i need to think more about life and death.there is this question keeps repeating in my mind what is the most important thing in life? I think the most important thing in life is love just to love everything around you, to love the sun you see in everyday to love the air you breath and so on. the thing is to value what you already has got
Today was my second day of surgery i wake up at 8 and i went to the hospital its called chernovski hospital today i saw a patient who has gallstones and had to have gallbladder removal its called laparoscopic cholecystectomy
i did not attend the whole operation as we finish at 11:00 later on i went to the park and read something i wanted to be connected with the nature , after that i went to the polish class at 3:00 i finished at 4:30 and had a meeting with another polish teacher at 5:00 i wanted to have questions from her after that i went to the shopping center to take my clothes from the laundry then i walked the dog today was very long day thank god for everything.
today i had very awful day i had problem with the polish teacher as she said in the previous class that my writing was bad and today she said my reading is bad so i felt so bad and i asked her to stop discourraging me
i dont know if it was right or wrong thats how i felt. now we are having surgery course i feel good about this course , i hope i will finish and graduate soon and pass the polish exam even though it feels so difficult to do that.
Today I went to the chernowski hospital I did not attend the practical part , but luckily i attended the seminar it was about aortic aneurysm. later i went to my favorite place to eat where i can have pasta and ice strawberry
then i went to my psychiatrist for consultation.because yesterday i dont know what happen to me i told my father that if i go to psychiatric hospital in saudi arabia i will kill myself , i don’t know where that has come from i think im afraid to repeat the same experience, for sure i feel better now after i been to the dr.now im thinking of a lot of things the first hopefully to graduate and to get ride of those suicidal thoughts because of saudi arabia.so what are my problems?
1) im afraid to get worse when i go to saudi arabia what will happen to my treatment.
2) i want to pass the polish exam and to stay in poland for another 1 year.
3) i want my dog to be with me i did not finish her papers to go to saudi because i dont know if i will go to saudi arabia or not.
4) i have also surgery exam this month.
all what i can say i need to stop thinking about everything at the same time and to start doing something about it.