If i’m being honest, this is my first attempt at trying to find some way to help me. I don’t know. It’s 7 in the morning and I’m on my third day of no sleep. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of feeling like absolute shit constantly.

Here’s some background information on who I am, and why I’m here. Also, I’m anxious that someone that knows me in person will find this profile and use it against me, so I’m not comfortable with using personal details that could hint at who I am.

My name is Emma. I’m 18 and I’m still in school, that is if I don’t drop out before graduation in June.

I’m basically homeless. But I’m not at the same time. It’s more of a couch to sleep on at night. Not a home. I know this is the biggest factor of why my mental health issues are getting to the point that they’re at now. I can’t change this.

My father has the worst kind of Lymes Disease that you can have. It’s the kind that fucks up his nervous system and it means he can’t work. That’s why i’m in the living situation I’m in. My mom refuses to work, she always has. I don’t like her.

I feel helpless. I feel guilty that I’m not okay. I know people have it worse than me, why can’t I be okay? I have these expectations put on me by everyone and I can’t make anybody happy anymore.  I’m guilty because I feel like shit, but then again I’ve been slowly leading up to this point for years. I started feeling this way a lot when I was 13. It’s the worst it’s ever been. Every time I’ve asked for help from my parents they’ve just shrugged it off and told me I was being a typical teenager. How was hurting myself for years being a typical teenager?

My boyfriend is the only person I feel comfortable talking to about anything. He’s currently getting help for severe depression and lately he’s been telling me he can’t handle me being so down. My best friend of 7 years basically told me that I’m a selfish bitch for feeling like this lately and blocked me on everything

I’m alone.

 

I’m so alone.

It feels like at any second I’m just gonna collapse.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings to anybody. I feel like everyone’s going to tell me I’m being a drama queen and to shut up.

I want to stop crying everyday. I want to stop thinking about disappearing.

I’ve tried convincing myself that I’m okay. I just want to be okay.

4 Comments
  1. jayce 3 years ago

    i wish i could help you, i really do, its always weird to see someone else going through all this bullshit, and i just really wish i had something else to say other say im sorry and i feel for you, its disheartening how long a person can live without really being alive

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  2. delane 3 years ago

    allthesmallthings, ***hugs*** my heart goes out to you. i don’t think you’re a drama queen. i feel like you need someone to talk to and some actual help, instead of a ‘run-around’…. *sigh i wish i could just call someone to come pick you up and take you to get some actual help. i feel like you really do need to see a professional and get some guidance for your home situation, as well as life, in general. i also wish i could just shake your mother for not stepping up and helping out, especially where your family’s concerned. i’ve seen some of the nastiness of Lyme disease, and it’s nothing to joke about.
    i’m glad you’re here and hopefully, someone can help suggest something that might actually be of help. Please, take care of yourself and know that you truly do matter!!!

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  3. goingwiththemotions 3 years ago

    I’m so sorry , that’s all I know to say. I know too well how it feels to have a parent who makes you feel you don’t matter, in my case it’s my dad. I know how bad you’re hurting because I’m feeling it too, I wish I could help you.

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  4. kamee 3 years ago

    I am so sorry for your pain, and all you have went through at such a young age. Breaks my heart! I am sorry about your dad. Its not easy to see someone you love feel ill like that. My advice to you… It is time for you to put you first. Write 5 things down that make you happy. For me that would be…the beach, music, classic 80s cartoons (i am a big kid) , comedy’s and making graphics. ( i do this for my job) . Write these things down. And when you can’t think of anything that makes you happy in that moment, open it up. Sometimes we need to retrain ourselves to think of the things that make us most happy when things are the most rough. By your post I can tell you have a big heart. You play a very important role in this lifetime. Its just hard to see that when you are feeling sad. Believe me. We are here for you here. NO judgements. If you ever need to talk/chat, just message me. I am a very good listener 🙂 Take care of YOU.

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