one of the greatest things that i find troubling to overcome in my addiction is being forgiven for what i did while using. I know that i can receive forgiveness from my higher power, and i struggle daily to forgive myself  but receiving it from others is a whole other issue.  For example:  I have been dating this girl for about 5 months we were very serious, but at the same time through most of those months i was in heavy addiction.  At first it was simple using on the weekends and drinking.  Mostly weed and prescription pills in small moderation.  We worked next to each other at a country club and i was maintaining my job and our relationship.  the funny thing is, she was married (legally, she was in the middle of a divorce) Then people begin to find out so i quit my job to protect her from having a bad divorce.  I then made a decision to move in with some roommates in a bad part of town. Thats when the drugs got worse. I fell into my old habits of cocaine. I began to lie and started to cheat. Meanwhile, i was falling in love or so i thought, maybe it was more of a crutch. I didnt want to be lonely so i always had somebody around. Then after many bad arguments i realized i had became somebody that wasnt me. I checked into treatment in may.  I spent most of treatment not talking to anybody outside the compounds, because i finally hit bottom and really wanted to focus on myself. I recently completed the program earlier this week and met back up with my "sweetie".  shes not a user, shes one of those "earth people" the kind that piss us off. Takes half a pill and is knocked out, drinks one glass of wine with dinner, etc.  Well in my attempts to be fully honest with myself and with her, i told her about my infidelity. Which crushed her and brought about a lot of guilt on myself. I find it hard to deal with now because i have honestly burned all of my old using bridges and she has pretty much been the only person ive communicated with other than family and a few people at local meetings.  I feel hurt because she cant talk to me with out being angry.  I thought i did the right thing by telling her, maybe it was too soon, i dont know. I just know i couldnt keep it bottled up inside of myself because it was driving me crazy.  Now its just a big mess. But maybe its for the good, after all i am an addict and i dont need a relationship right now right? Not to mention, im 23 and shes 32 with 3 kids.  What the hell am i doing? i ask myself that often, but whenever im with her all of that goes out the window and i feel happy, ive never connected with somebody the way i do with her… oh well. i just had to get this out there. I couldnt make it to a meeting tonight so im using this site as a way to vent and receive feedback.  Im new here and it truly amazes me how random people can get together online and talk about real life scenarios and actually relate to each other..

  1. acemenom 15 years ago

    Dude. I think you should get a sponsor to help you through shit like that. I'm 2 months out of rehab and I finally found one and he's great. I wanted to save the world and make all my amends right away. I learned better. I was a big time cheater, I was only faithful to the one that I recently lost. Regardless I am going to take much of that promiscuity to the grave. Trying to make direct amends would only hurt some women, their boyfriends and some husbands. And it might get me shot. Thats a fine line we have to walk with that honesty thing. Sounds like you found some feelings you didnt know you had. If you are truly happy with her thats great. Tell her that and take responsability. She sounds like a wonderful person. I feel for you man.

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  2. KizzyT31 15 years ago

    hey, welcome to the tribe.

    I think that was a good thing to do and you didnt expect her not to be angry did u? so just give her time and she will probably accecpt it. Afterall it was becuase you were using so much that you did those things and thats not your normal behaviour (im presuming this is right,  so correct me if im wrong) but you were honest and that is definatley a good thing. I know people say 'if its meant to be , everything will work itself out' and that usually pisses me off but it really is true so unforunatley you cant go back on what you did or the fact that you told her the truth so just try and be there for her if she comes back to you, reassure her and show her that she can completley trust you becusee i would imagine trust is an even bigger issue for her becuase of her kids. If she feels as strongly for you as you feel  for her it may be ok but it will be hard work.

    Try not to beat your self up becuase your recovery is the most important thing at the moment, afterall what use will you be to her or yourself if you go back using?

    If she wont talk to you at the moment or is not listening to you becuase she is angry , why not write her a letter?Sometimes written words can be so much more powerful than just saying the first thing that comes into your head or something you have re-hearsed.

    Good luck , i really hope it works out for you. Kizzy x

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