I am really starting to believe that there is a way out of the OCD trap. But none of it is anything usually perscribed to people. I just hope I am right.

 I've been on a helluva spiritual push for the past few years. It has been painful and lonely and I would never do it over again. I think it had to happen, and it had to happen fast. There are things to do on this planet, and I feel acutely aware that life is more than just what we see.

Each human being has a physical body. But she also has an emotional/mental body and a spiritual body. If you affect one, you affect them all. Now, when I rejected the Catholic Church, I continued to pray, but I prayed in that Suspended Belief kind of way. Once I began appealing to the energetics surrounding my existence on all three aforementioned levels, and once I started doing vibrational healing with other people, I had no choice but to believe in a higher power. I make sure I call on the absolute source and maker, and highest most positive energies of the universe. I ask "Please" and I say thank-you. And most of all, I know a change is coming.

I took a beginning and advanced vibrational healing class with some friends of mine. My life changed. It turns out, we carry all sorts of old blocks and yucky energy within all three of our bodies, and there are ways to release it. The release can be harrowing in itself, but I personally prayed to get through it. I found out that miracles are normal occurrences, and most importantly, if you suspend doubt for just a little while and accept that working with energy is real, you usually get some result that'll convince you.

I don't doubt that there are unorthodox ways to heal, and that there are higher powers. They have made themselves very apparant in my life. By being constantly aware, I sense shifts in myself that I never knew I'd be able to accomplish. I do believe I'm being guided and that I am being shown the way to some degree of freedom.

For example. I'm dating a guy in town who has a filthy mouth and little impulse control. He's obnoxious and loud, yet you can sense about him something real and gold. He's a sweet man. He nearly died ten years ago in a bike vs RV crash that he caused, and is lucky to still have his legs. He can walk, and people didn't even think he'd live. He is legally blind. And as for the obnoxiousness? Well, he didn't really know why he is the way he is, but he is tourettic!  I mean, talk about getting corned on all fronts!

I hooked up with him at first as a casual kind of gig. I have found that he and I have some real spiritual work to do together. I never thought I would tell him I love him, but I know him from some other level, and I know we are together at this time for a reason.

I have always been deeply ashamed of my OCD. I'll be feeling confident and grounded, and suddenly, the little voice that won't shut up and is linked almost directly to my gag reflex says "maybe he doesn't like you anymore. Maybe he likes this gal." More than anything, I 'm afraid I will chase him away with my OCD. I ask repetetive questions, some of them unnecessary, and some of them, I am learning, totally valid. The fear of asking them triggers the spins. My family demonized my OCD, made it entirely my fault, would not let me get help until I sought it myself at age 14. (I had exhibited classic OCD rituals since I was about 5 years old, and somehow, they missed how odd it was and how unhappy I was and kept pushing me to just "grow up.") Even going to the school counselor was humiliating, as she clearly thought I was strange for the behaviours I was reporting. All in all, I was so ashamed of myself, feeling as if some part of me wanted to do these OCD things. That I was some sort of freak and unworthy, weak screw up. Shhh. Don't tell anyone.

Hiding it was harder because OCD's major bread became relationships themselves. Mom's newly divorcee tirades against men, how we don't need them and we should never let one hurt us, well, they had me believing that I should never, ever ask questions in a relationship if something was bothering me. The goal was to feel nothing at all, or else I was weak. In fact, being in a relationship in the first place was a cop-out! Ridiculous to think that I was mature or human enough to have a real relationship, since all the ones I'd had so far were bullshit to my parents. You can possibly see how this lent to scrupulosity. My parents were the Gods I was afraid to defy. I could never let a man see me sweat. Instead, i ate away my insides with unanswered questions that never stopped.

 Ahhhh. Therapy. THerapy, and the higher, most positive energies. After 31 years of living this lie, I met my present boyfriend. We are not a forever couple, but we are eternal on another level. He is a treat for me, a reward.

Here is the thing! He has accepted his tourrettic behaviour as normal and he is still, despite the anger from being blind, unable to do any of the extreme sports he used to do, and constantly chasing women away with his steady stream of curse words, basically happy! A typical Leo, he forgives and forgets fast. I'll never forget the other day when I went into one of my bouts of repetetive questioning, I told him that I didn't want to be this way around him, and that I hated this part of me.

"You can't help it," he remarked nonchalantly. "It's cool." And he hugged me. Hard.

That's when I started realizing that this disorder does not make me incompetent. I can still be the beautiful, intelligent, grounded person I hope to be, and have OCD. I have no need to be perfect–trying to be screws me up too much and makes the OCD take flight! For the first time, I realized my OCD as totally acceptable. Another packet in my brief case. I suddenly had a visio of myself. I had always been trying to be artisan, perfect white bread. Putting out some sort of facade of perfection because I didn't want people to know just how screwy and needy I felt inside. I can take care of myself,  and I am a very independent gal, but I finally saw myself as that dense, whole grain bread where the grains still have the husks on them. THe kind that kkeeps you full for a long time. Wholesome, and deliciously imperfect. I am so okay with this.

That's when I started realizing that I have always thought that I am being bad for wanting to be in relationships and wanting to be loved. Good GOd! It's what we are all here to do! Bring together the male and female! Once I recognized that, I lifted that weight from my heart. Now I am free to love. I am free to show love without being so worried of making a fool of myself.

I drove to my boyfriend's house this week, the OCD jumbles coming up in my stomach. Does he still love me? Watch him and see his behaviour to see if there's anything indicating he is going to ditch me. Figure out a way to ask if he still likes me even tho I asked him repetetive questions yesterday.

Wait. What am i hiding! I suddenly realized that I was excited to see him. I have never allowed myself to be excited to see a man b ecause I have never thought I was allowed to be affected by them! So i always took my excitement and turned it into its opposite: defensiveness. Why I shouldn't like him. How he is going to screw me over because he is a man. Self pity.

WIth my new release, I decided to be excited to see him. For the first time in my life, I knew what butterflies in my stomach were! And when I saw him, I was so happy just to see him, and it elicited happiness in him. I felt more myself, and more able to go and do the things I needed to do. I was no longer watch dogging him. I was just loving. And as scary as that could be, it was truly enough. I am allowed to show affection. I am allowed to care, and I am allowed to let a man know I love him rather than try to get him to love me before I stingely hand over little bits of gratification to him. Because guess what. I AM love.

4 Comments
  1. bluebuddha 14 years ago

    -Wow…you are very interesting! I'm so glad that you are happy and in love….I think our acceptance of our OCD is really important. I don't think that I have completely done that yet….I'm trying. I don't think a person can truly learn how to handle it and heal until they accept it. What do you think? I'm trying so hard. You live a beautiful place, and it's clear to me that you love life…that is such a gift. My OCD tarnishes that a bit for me…but it's the the path that I'm on and I never give up. Welcome to the tribe! I wish you nothing but the best.

    Blue

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  2. rq5738 14 years ago

    Wow, is right!!  What a blog!  I, too, am happy for you that you have discovered this "newness" for yourself.  I feel horribly that you had to spend the first part of your life missing so much– but leave the past in the past!  It's one day at a time from here.  LIVE each one to the fullest and as it comes!  I enjoyed reading it all… it was a series of gentle reminders!!

    ~RQ 

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  3. jbo 14 years ago

    Well, hell. I had me a relapse last night and this morning, where I could just feel frustration flowing through. From 0 to hagbeast in 30 seconds. Can I blame the birth control? It was yet another one of those experiences of him talking me off the wall. I was in a bad mood and just sick of being judged for having this disorder. It's not my personality! I still feel shame with the whole thang, I do. I still have anxiety that my boyfriends will leave me because of it. Yet, every episode is a chance to just let go.

    This sweet person said that he is trying to understand me so he won't be  a jerk. "I'm sorry I have this," I told him. "That's like me saying I'm sorry I can't bend this leg, sorry I can't ski with you anymore," he replied. Dear God, have you ever heard such sweetness. I pray it doesn't run out. I'm being given chance after chance to correct this and to learn to let go. In my head, I feel like I should grovel for forgiveness every time I have an episode (every few days, lately, it seems. I've been vocalizing more than holding it in, and I'm starting to realize the importance of just letting go). It drives him nuts when I do that. It's not the questioning. It's the embarassment afterwards that gets him. And then, non-ocd emotions get confused by him  and me for OCD emotions. I beat a pillow, and wondered how long he would put up with me. The best thing I can do is forget about it. I just feel like there should be some sort of transition emotion. I feel like if I just forget that I was having a hard time, people will think I have no conscience. BUT I DO!

    You know, it doesn't matter. I have to do what I have to do to get past this, and that's my impetus. It's not about keeping a man. It's about keeping myself, and it is a process I am determined to complete. I give myself some room to figure out the waves of energy I experience as I try to change my point of view. That means, who knows, at this time in life, how I will affect others. I can forgive myself for it. I'm transitioning. My intent is pure.

    I get pissed off everytime somebody brings up any of the following: You think too much, You trip on things more than I do, You worry too much, Don't freak out, etc. Today, I found that it really pushes my buttons. I feel so jealous of people that don't worry that it makes me angry when they suggest that I don't.  Oh, those perfect people. One of the worst things you could do in my family was worry or have any problems, so I'm still, apparantly, making up for it.

    Well. How about that. I'm still making up for having problems. Assuming it's not okay with anyone, that everyone is like my family. I am looking to them for approval. Really, I should be saying, "Hey, this is how it is." I am afraid of being isolated through this. But at the same time, I am willing to believe that I can be strong through this. In fact, I am convinced that I can change it into positivity because I can feel myself doing it.

    Check it out. I have been forcing myself to try to forget about what is bothering me. If you look at it as physical transference of energy (emotions as energy), well, I can see that I am giving mine to the boyfriend (which  can be substituted for any man I date, really), rather than keep it for myself. I can feel it leave me. It depresses me. So I have to fight the urge to think about the negative possibilites and stay open to anything. It can and will work. I'm sure of it.

    All you need is one good fight against your demons where you get up and leave, and it changes your whole outlook. I was hooked on the I Ching, trying to get relationship informtion, and really screwing with my head and anxiety in the process. It screwed up two relationships because it made me worry so much about what was coming. It hit me while I was working in the woods a few weeks ago–I was planning to go home and ask some questions to the I Ching about my current boyfriend–now was my chance to do things differently. Like a normal person! I would not toss the coins for the I Ching. When I got home, I fought the internal dragon. It felt like what I imagine a heroine addict feels trying to resist shooting up again.

    But I won.

    And I haven't engaged in that obsession again, since. It also made me realize that I can do this. I can do this!We are so used to this level of anxiety. Wehave filled our lives with it! What would we do without it! It's scary to think, but we don't have to figure it all out at once. We are allowed to just forget about the obsessions, to change our minds, because nothing is going to happen for it. ANd if it does, well, we'll be in our right minds when it happens. We'll have guts, not fear. If a man leaves me because I lapse into repetetive questioning, well, I will be fine! It's a phase I'm in and  I

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  4. thymeoperator 14 years ago

    what's it like dating someone tourettic?  cause i'm tourettic and i often wonder what on earth it must be like to be with my and my fiance doesnt really say much about it when i ask, he always says this stuff like 'i dont really think of you that way' and i'm like yeah that's sweet but no really what's it like haha

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