Ok, so I have to leave early today and go to see the counselor for the initial visit. I am beyond nervous. What’s crazy is that I’m not so much nervous about meeting with the counselor as I am about the questions I am going to get about it when I get home after.
I’m going to talk to the counselor a lot about H. And I know for a FACT that he’s going to ask me if we talked about him. "What did you say? Tell me everything."
He’s interrogated me before and I’m REALLY nervous about it happening tonight. I’m afraid he’s not going to let me go to sleep tonight if I don’t tell him EVERYTHING. I’m afraid he’s going to pull that, "Tell me word-for-word what was said," crap and not let up until he’s satisfied. Which usually ends up in a HUGE fight and him breaking up with me, "We’re DONE! I’m DONE with you!" (But he wouldn’t leave when I tried to break up with him, so I know it’s all empty threats and bullshit.)
These kind of fights can last all fucking night long, I’m talking until morning. Which is another tactic, I think, of his because he KNOWS I have to get up early for work and I won’t miss work.
He HAS to make the fight last long enough to break me down. He has to break me down so that when the fight is over, I’m the one begging for forgiveness and he’s the one that’s going to ‘give me one more chance’ (no matter who is actually at fault) because he can’t just BREAK UP with me because he has nowhere to go and he knows it. But he also cannot be wrong. Ever. If he apologizes, if he is ever wrong, it’s because something I did prompted his behavior.
Used to be during these fights that he would take my car keys and tell me I’m not allowed to drive HIS vehicles any more so I have no way to get to work. That’s when all the vehicles were titled to him. I have my own vehicle now so that won’t work. But I’m afraid anyway.