I’m going to give out soon. I feel so lonely, like no one really cares. I’m sick of caring for people, just for them to barely give a damn about me.

I planned out my suicide today. Side porch, my chromebook charger, what would be in my note, ect.

I’m still debating on whether or not to go through with it.

Don’t give me your “Oh it’s not worth it” and “It doesn’t get rid of the pain, it just passes to someone else” bull crap.

It doesn’t apply when they helped the scars grow.

I had a breakdown today. I couldn’t stop tears going down my face or blurring my vision.

And no one noticed. Or no one cared enough to notice. I don’t have a room, so I was basically crying in front of them.

My aunt asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. Later, I sat at the table, tears silently moving down my face. I had a moment of weakness in my sky high walls. Walls I spent years developing.

I wanted my aunt to come up and ask me one last time what was wrong. I wanted to tell her.

I would’ve told her.

But she didn’t notice.

It’s selfish to want her to ask me when I already said I was fine, but in that moment I didn’t care. I wanted her to ask so I could finally tell someone, and FIX it.

She never did.

I heard the door close, and I knew she left to go out to her room.

And I started crying. The window closed, I can feel my walls thickening again.

I’m losing hope. Fast.

I need a reason to live.

I can’t find one.

I’ll never reach my dreams, I’ll never make it. I’m too lazy and weak.

I feel too tired and down to do homework. My anxiety can’t handle the amount of assignments I have.

No one in my family is really there for me.

I have no close friends, and I’m too cowardly to try and make some after hearing some girls talk behind one of their friends back about her depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I don’t know if it’s true she has all of them, but it was enough to discourage me.

I just don’t see a point.

Everyone says they’re there for me, but seem to disappear in thin air when I need them.

I know I’ll never truly feel alright in the environment I’m in, plus I’m too scared to stand up for myself and change it, so I’m really leaning in the other direction.

Don’t try and say those cliche lines. They mean nothing to me.

Give me a reason to live. A good one. Not a stupid excuse you pulled out of your ass because you feel pity for me.

3 Comments
  1. deadsoulx 2 months ago

    hey trinity!! — thats the name your parents decided for you right? but you prefer “tree”? ofc that sounds perfect.
    No “cliché lines” — as you say!!
    i need you to tell me — why did you join this site? why did anyone of us join this site?
    for finding some sorta hope? – yea? nah? everyone has their own reasons.
    saying “i’m there for you” actually doesnt make us sense – cuz i am (literally speaking) a few thousand miles away from you. if i also i wanted to help – well i couldnt. but sharing helps. – you can always share — i’m always here to help.
    you say you wanna give up? reasons ? — you suffered enough — i totally get it!
    but…
    if you think by yourself , ONCE — what will happen if you just go off? do you think no one will care?
    if you think so honey — i’m sorry , you are wrong.
    its true that people never understand anyone’s worth — unless they die.
    everything seems helpless – life – relations – and stuffs.
    but suicide is not always an option. fight. fight your life through it. achieve the greatest height. show others what you are capable of.
    you are WORTH EVERYTHING* —
    *oops thats a cliché line , but i hope you get it.

    thats all i can say. please understand <3
    love,R

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