Having a freakout. Lying in bed, can't sleep, crying and I don't know why. Really unnerved, looking around my room and it feels like a stranger's, full of objects that seem to have lost all meaning. Why is it always at it's worst in the night? And I felt like I was getting better. Maybe that's part of it, feeling the odd high makes the lows more difficult to take. I just had good news, I should feel happy. Had a job offer of sorts from a guy I used to work with and was very fond of. Maybe too fond of, a little scared seeing him again could lead to disaster. We were closer than we should have been once upon a time.
Wondering if I should come clean to my parents about all this. I don't think I could begin to tell them without falling apart. Kept them at arm's length for such a long time but I feel like I'm fighting with myself to keep it up. Was really short on the phone with my mother the other day, only way I know how to hide how bad I'm feeling from her. But then felt terrible, my dad emailed me and I told him to apologise to her. He told me I'd upset her and I feel just dreadful. But I know they'd be devastated if they found out how long I'd felt this way and how long I'd hidden it from them. I think they'd feel they'd let me down somehow and I don't want them to think that, I couldn't ask for better parents. I wish I wasn't this way more than anything, I wish I could be the kind of daughter they'd want me to be, I wish we had the kind of relationship where we could talk about anything. I feel like it's all my fault. There's such a lot of damage to undo, I'm scared it's too late to start.