This is a little secret I kept for awhile, but. I secretly really wanted to go to prom. Everytime on Facebook, whenever my friends in other schools or states update their prom pictures, I get incredibly jealous.

I want to feel like a princess, if just for one night. Dance to crappy music. Sneak a few sips of someone's flask. Get gussied up. Go to a movie or a club or iHop or dinner afterwards.

I pretended not to care because I knew it would never happen. Last year, I skipped prom for an awesome concert (which was great, by the way.) This year, I did want to go, but hesitate…because, well…the things I've heard about my school's prom (without fail, since freshman year) are awful. Apparently my independent-district school's prom chooses terrible DJs and venues and themes. Which, by popular thought, was true this year, the year before, the year before, ad infinitum.

Ad Infinitum. I don't even know if I'm using or spelling the phrase correctly, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

But, by a friend that's going to the Marines in just 20 or so days, I was invited to another school's prom which is tomorrow night. And I said yes. (I've since broken up with my current boyfriend because it wasn't working out at all and am going just as friends with Marine Boy.) And I'm secretly very excited and also very frightened my dream will be crushed by higher than reality expectations.

But you know what? Whatever. I'm a senior. *long sigh* I graduate in 3 weeks. I might as well feel kind of special for a night.

My prom dress cost $7 at Forever 21. My entire initial outfit cost $30. Guess I'm lucky, and I can say I've paid for almost my entire prom get up. Makes me feel less spoiled and more independent. (Since I've earned the money from my new job).

Oh well. We'll see how it goes. One thing I'm also a little wary about is my tattoo on my back. I got it for a very spiritual and serious purpose-it means a lot to me, not just fashion gag. But I'm not supposed to get inked up until I leave the house next fall. Buuuut my mother is fixing up my dress (which is low cut spaghetti strap in back) so I've managed to wear racer back tank tops so far, but I think I'll have to zip it up myself tomorrow night. Which will be hard, but better than her freaking out (she's pretty traditional in thinking and body alterations.) You know what? It's ok.

It's okay.

I'm sliding out of depression. Sometimes the low feelings dip back down into my heart and head and I feel crappy (end up binge eating or taking lots of bubble baths, wasting all the hot water) but it's much better than it was. Much better, I suppose. Suicidal tendencies are for the most part gone right now. Still going to have to get help, though. I just don't want to pay expensive psychiatrist/psychologist fees or anything; hoping my college next semester will have maybe low cost or free services. Maybe.

My dreams have been very interesting lately.

My theory on dreams is that they are often a symbolic message that my subconscious is trying to send to my conscious-as it to help me or warn me or who knows. And for the most part, it's been correct. I use a lot of the symbol interpretation from which seems pretty accurate when I think about it (No, not Hindsight Bias, I think it's legit) like for instance, my dreams I had around the time of abuse, around the time of family trouble, and around the time of stressful periods.

But lately, my subconscious (supposedly) has been warning me about my emotions. It's as if, I'm too cold or distant or screwed up with my emotions right now…but that doesn't make sense. My repeated symbols (I ignored them for a while until my vivid nightmare woke me up another night as if to SCREAM the motifs into my conscious) are an apartment, water (pools and lakes), and the nightmare dream had mountains in it.

These all are supposed to correlate with emotion (and I trust the interpretation so deeply because it's been very correct before). Yet I don't feel a tugging emotional problem in my subconscious. I'm not (figuratively) drowning in any emotion. Very strange. I'm very confused.

It's been a night or two since the nightmare, and those symbols haven't occured since but still.

This is just what I believe, but now it has me puzzled.

Well, I hope you all have a good weekend. I just had to get these long, mundane musings out of my head.


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