Having a freakout.  Lying in bed, can't sleep, crying and I don't know why.  Really unnerved, looking around my room and it feels like a stranger's, full of objects that seem to have lost all meaning.  Why is it always at it's worst in the night?  And I felt like I was getting better.  Maybe that's part of it, feeling the odd high makes the lows more difficult to take.  I just had good news, I should feel happy.  Had a job offer of sorts from a guy I used to work with and was very fond of.  Maybe too fond of, a little scared seeing him again could lead to disaster.  We were closer than we should have been once upon a time. 

Wondering if I should come clean to my parents about all this.  I don't think I could begin to tell them without falling apart.  Kept them at arm's length for such a long time but I feel like I'm fighting with myself to keep it up.  Was really short on the phone with my mother the other day, only way I know how to hide how bad I'm feeling from her.  But then felt terrible, my dad emailed me and I told him to apologise to her.  He told me I'd upset her and I feel just dreadful.  But I know they'd be devastated if they found out how long I'd felt this way and how long I'd hidden it from them.  I think they'd feel they'd let me down somehow and I don't want them to think that, I couldn't ask for better parents.  I wish I wasn't this way more than anything, I wish I could be the kind of daughter they'd want me to be, I wish we had the kind of relationship where we could talk about anything.  I feel like it's all my fault.  There's such a lot of damage to undo, I'm scared it's too late to start.


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