All the things i enjoyed have slowly left. Ive looked everywhere for inspiration..I occasionally find some .Mostly in art or literature. I dabble in artistic projects as a release , to keep my mind active and distract myself from the throbbing emptyness that drives me crazy. I can feel it, my brain is over worked and mind goes into places of pain. Its like im under constant attack.

I wish i lived close to a thick forest, the more isolated the better. I like to walk into the darkest parts and just sit and stare through the web work of branches and drift into a happy place .Just me and the birds..birds are my fav creatures of all. Especially crows. My heart leaps when I hear and see then. Crows come close and stare right at you, eye to eye, its usually very brief .This lasts for only a few seconds…

This one time I was far from home, took a tempory job in another town. I went through some troubling times there..during my last few weeks a pair of crows flew to my apartment window and gawked at me . The window was wide open, they didnt come inside but they would come during the dark of night.Well before sunrise, it was strange and scary. They did this for almost a week, i was scared. Like something bad was about to happen. Months later i felt different..i wasnt freaked out anymore. I look at it in a way ive never felt before.It has a spiratual meaning for me.Like they were my guides and came to warn me of danger. Ill never forget it..

Another bird story..in my teens and my first time shooting a pellet gun. I was in the country side and was going to kill a bird.I was on my first hunt. The only birds around were barn swallows. They fly in unpredictable patterns and are small, so next to impossible to shoot in mid air. After much time and no luck i realized that if i hid under the tree with the gun ready and aimed at the electrical wires where they perched i could shoot one. Just as i had planned i pulled the trigger and the poor bird fell to the ground. I ran over excited and saw the dead bird lying in the grass. This all happen so fast, i was so excited I went back to the tree and proceeded to shoot another 12 ! But something happened after the 13th one dropped ..i walked over this time, i didnt run. The bird was still alive, apparently i had just winged it. The bird was in shock and after a few moments it died in my hands. My heart sunk to the bottomless pit. It was the worst I had ever felt about anything. I never wanted to hunt anything after that, it took years for me to forgive myself. I was only 12 or 13 …i certainly didnt know better at the time.

And i just remebered another time before that one..i was younger and we were near the lake where theres lots of seagulls. By the water i was skipping rocks, it was fun for a brief while. Then my attention redirected to what i considerated at the time to be a bunch of pesky noisy seagulls. I looked into the rocks i had selected for skipping .I always chose the best rock for last. I remember the rock well, it was almost perfectly oval and flat. Perfect for skipping. I hurled it at this one seagull, unbelievabale ! i hit it , it was about 20 yards away.Fell into the water and never moved…a man came over and told me to never do that again. What a fluke it was, i could go there today and through a hundred and not hit one. Yes i know, it was a cruel act and its something i would never ever do again..

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