Got another palpitation. I alwaya get scared im going to get a heart attack. Its like my bodys trying to kill me off, or mother nature. At least it gave me enough motivation to write this. This life its not chasing pleasure its running from pain. And pain is loneliness. And loneliness is incurable when your me. Wherever i go, people seem to want to hurt me mentally. Im not doing anything wrong and i dont understand it apart from that maybe its the process ofsurvival of the fittest and maybe people need to be cruel to be on top. I dont understand any of it. Maybe when i make the transformation to beig more like a boy which is what i feel like, it will make sense. Its frustrating how theres no one in the world like me in the slightest,but i feel like i have a little bit of everyone in me. I feel like i understand everything, just not the social unfairness that people apply themselves to. Ita disgusting how people only make friends with you because they want some socially materialistic thing from you but then realise you havnt got what they want so they lie something cruel and put you back in the hole they found you. I would never do that to anyone,unless i was threatened in some way. Its so hard. I think we nees some sort of religion to stop people doingthis to eachother. Ita been hard because i cant shift myself. I sometimes cant go out when im hungry and that gets emotional. You have to have some sort of compassion for yourself. Sometimes i wonder if god has a legend that i have to follow or i will be stuck in this curse for the rest of my life. He problem is,because of all the happy ever after stories were told, i think we automatically think that we will get out ofthis because something magical will come along and change it because it ALWAYS does! But it doesnt, you just get older and deteriorate because we are trapped in a body, maybe he wrong one, which is only heading for the grave. That is the only direction the body knows. Unless your Jenifer lopez or a bacteria. Its a cruel game and none of us chose this and i wouldnt wish it on anyone and thats why im stopping this line of genetics here. There will be no little me's in the future to suffer this torture and im proud of that decision. But its torment at the same time resenting life so stubbornly. Im also so envious of people who dont feel like this. If i cant do anything, nobody else should be allowed to!! It's not fair lol. I nees those eyesheilds horses have so i dont see the positivity of other people radiating out of them, it burns like sunlight on a vampire lol! The only thing i dont mind is good parents and families, and people working hard to help people, but all other people dont deserve to feel happiness,i hate them. All those who bully people and itrample on people and dont work. I dont do anything to help anyone now so maybe thays why i resent myself. Answer solved.

2 Comments
  1. Author
    Luc 9 years ago

    Hello there,

    Didn't your doctor or psychiatrist tell you that heart palpitations often occur for people who have panic attacks?  You say that you suffer from social anxiety so it would make some kind of sense that you might also be suffering from panic attacks.  It is very possible that this is what you are experiencing.  I know because I have suffered from panic attacks periodically and my heart just flutters away for a while before I finally calm down and the panic attack works it's way through my nervous system.  Food for thought anyway, google "panic attack symptoms" if you want to make an informed decision about what you are going through at times.  I hope I don't sound obnoxious and uncaring because that is the farthest thing from the truth.  Well, take care!  I hope to hear from you soon.

    L

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  2. Author
    amber_lee 9 years ago

    I’ve been feeling quite lonely myself lately. Terrible feeling…I actually told myself tonight that I hate all people (except for the ones who understand me, like on this site). People are so fucking evil. The things they say, do, & make up just astound me..I suppose bcuz I would never even think of doing those things to another person. I just don’t understand why people want to be so cruel. I can sure relate with you on being bitter about happy people! I feel like everyone is out doing fun things with a bunch of friends, laughing & having a great time, while I’m stuck at home all alone & feeling like shit. I hate it. As terrible as it sounds (although I’m sure you relate) to say it nicely, sometimes I just wish that something bad would happen, or that they would just be bored or have a bad time.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but when you say “i feel like i have a little bit of everyone in me. I feel like i understand everything” do you mean that you can always see where people are coming from, like how they feel & all that? bcuz I feel the same way. Like, how come nobody understands why I am the way I am & why I’m feeling this way, yet I have empathy & can understand them…It’s super frustrating, especially when they interpret things the wrong way. :/ 

    I feel like God has a purpose for everyone. Sometimes it seems completely hopeless & I wonder if I will have to feel this way forever, but then I remember that God is going to & has been using me for a purpose. Even looking back on past kinds of relationships & thinking how I’ve influenced others, it kind of helps me see that I am here for a reason, as hard as it might be for me to be on this damned planet.

    I don’t know what it’s like to want to be a boy, like you do, but I can say that I sure do envy them sometimes! lol…I can say tho that many times I resent the body I am in; not just insecurities that I have about myself, but bcuz I also have chronic pain. My mom made a joke when I was 17 saying “you’re 17 going on 70” then it was “18 going on 80” kind of funny in a sad way. Like you, I am very firm in the FACT that I am NOT having kids EVER. I decided that if I ever change my mind (unlikely) that I will adopt, & that is the end of the story. I have ten thousand reasons why I don’t want kids, so I will not list them off on here. Lol

    Anyways, just thought I’d let you know that someone can relate to your frustrations & mental pain at least in some ways. Hope this new day will be better for the both of us! Add me if you would like
    J

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