I don’t know why she says she likes me, that I’m a good person, and all that.

Well we all know what being a good person gets you. A one way ticket to hell.

I don’t want to be alone anymore… I don’t want to be stared at, talked about and humiliated. I don’t want to keep pushing away people who have the gall to try to get through to me.

I asked her what good is a boy who can’t speak. She says she cares about and misses me. I don’t know why. I’m not worth it. I have so many questions. All I do is drag people down and provide a source of cheap entertainment. Maybe I will write about it, maybe I will help someone as she says. But what about me? Don’t I deserve to enjoy life? I guess not… in my neverending pursuit of whatever, I’m going to be alone my whole life, miserable hermit. I’m never going to experience the good parts of life, which isn’t fair considering all the bad parts that have been unceremoniously dumped on me.

I’m tired of being jealous. I don’t know why, but I feel it.

I can’t just be happy. I’ll never again be happy being this lonely creature.

I can’t take these four walls. Not sleeping, not eating. I wish I could just die.

Man what a drag. I don’t have a life, I have a fragment. All I’m meant for is to be the jester of others.

Yes, you can tell me it will be ok and all that. I’ve heard it plenty of times. But nothing ever changes though I put my blood on the line. I need answers, not sympathy. I can’t keep up the facade of positive thinking if there is nothing to be positive about. It’s so easy to look to the future and say, oh, you’ll get there. But there is no there, there is only now. And now is going nowhere.

I need to die. I’m a scourge on any life that comes in contact with me.

It’s so cold…


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