Its been a long time , many ups and downs. My immediate problem stems from the fact that i dont have anyone to talk to about issues i need to talk about. I cant keep silent aboutmy pastand im suffering. I been trying to hang on , its been a journey which started when i was 5 or so..Ive wanted to start writing for some time now .It might be my only outlet for me , I keep feeling guilty for for staying silent and when i do try and say something i also feel guilty.
It sucks…why am I ashamed to talk about my past and why doesnt anyone want to listen? I am so insecure and ashamed of my very existence. There was a time when i had managed to bury the past and pretended i was fine.I think I even felt this way then, felt like there was a hope.That life would somehow get better one day when all the people who caused me grief would be gone. Things got bad in 2006, uptill then i was grudging not happy but content. I was working and had a couple of friends. Then one of my only few friends died. He was a bit older and was a father figure.I saw in him the things i needed my father to have.
After this I slowly went into a severe depression. It seemed as though all the past had come to surface.My emotions were very very low. I eventually quit my job…i felt like giving up in the game of life. I was losing what little desires i had. I felt like fate was a bitter pill for me to swallow.I felt like the born loser. Its all a natural reaction of feelings ..before this i always felt " why me ?" why do my parents fight and scream all the time" why was i born ? " …all these kinds , im sure a few people have had the same ..I even asked my mother if i was adopted when i was young. I never felt like i belonged with them, it was a strange feeling. And the nightmares and going to bed in fear every night were the worst part for sure.
Well my father died 4 months ago, it was another emotional low.somehow i made it through it all. It was hard for me to grieve , my emotions were torn. I had no one to talk to…how do you talk about stuff that nobody wants to hear ? I think this is what fustrates me the most. The sad thing also is that my mother and i arnt that close either. She doesnt realize the fact that i was born into this mentally unstable and sometimes hostile enviroment and what damage it can do to someone. Well I hope to continue writing here, and hopefully some good stories too. Those are what matter to me the most. But to remember the few good memories i have to go through a lot bad ones. I cant just erase it all.
Interestingly..i saw a documentary on a scientist who was trying to find where our memories are kept in our brain. He himself has gone through rough times growing up and he said he was wondering what it would be like to erase all the past ! of course the drawback is that you forget everything, all the good too.Every single memory erased. You would be starting over again for real. You would have to build a new character…and the problem with that is that your childhood is the most important part of your development. So if that is erased you need to learn everything little thing over again, just like an infant.
Theres a lot i like about myself even though i honestly dont think that others do. Maybe i am dillutional and I might be suffering from depersonalization. Either way there isnt anyone there to listen . I dont think its right or fair to call people i know to talk about these things. They arnt prepared , trained nor do they have the time ..when depression and anxiety hits you are in a state of despair and its so hard to communicate with them. They wont understand and arnt capable. I tried before and regretted it deeply..