a: What if Dominik was really upset about me buying him a laptop because he felt like i was being patronizing, to the point that he didn’t even call me about it? And that this just continues to exemplify a trend that i’ve always had with people who are not as well off as I am, using them as repositories for my guilt?

d: there are other reasons why he might not have called. it’s possible also that he didn’t notice it had arrived yet.

if he does feel upset, it’s not going to ruin the friendship, it’s just going to mean you have things to talk about and work on, and growing to do. wait and see what happens

WHat happened: I managed to let go and he said he didn’t even know if the package had come

A: What if I can’t get the article accepted anywhere and then have wasted all these people’s times (and their faith?) What if my desire to try to write a more stunning and emotionally persuasive article and reach a bigger audience backfires because it takes me too long to write it?

D: I believe in my potential for success…I will find a way not to waste their time. I will be thoughtful, adaptive, creative, and efficient. I will not think that it’s all about how many hours I work. I will not be formulaic or scared.

Feelings:  Wondering if I’ve been supportive enough to my friends. Want to reach out to Nat to see if she wants to watch or listen to something. Feel excited, ready to grow and be creative. feel daunted—by all the mortgage stuff I really don’t understand at all. The new yorker article to be seemed like it was showing off—wit and comprehension and intelligence. It was quite a turn-off. But I also feel like part of the issue is that I doubt my own intelligence around the mortgage stuff. Feel excited to be working on my mental health; doing a better job working through anxieties. really curious about the AA stuff. Some nervousness around the unknowns of how Natasha and Dominik are feeling. Some need to prepare more for the mortgage related interview tomorrow; that’s my opportunity to really dig into the details.

Gratitude: That my parents love and need me and are proud of me. For all these people’s time with their hardships and stories and the beauty of their conviction, their survival, their humor in the face of such frustrating conditions.

Visualization: I offer presence and attention and love to my family and my friends. I prepare adequately for tomorrow’s interview, (don’t have to talk to Uncle Buzz, of course); I take tomorrow to really dedicate myself to telling these stories beautifully; perhaps read a few more examples of alternative ways to write it. I check in with Natasha and Dominik at some point this weekend, (i do still feel…idk…confused about what ended up happening with Natasha…but my emotions have calmed down about it.) I bike some on sunday and also get a little additional work done.

wbat I didn’t expect: this feeling of, its not fair to just sit on these stories and work on other projects. they need to be told. I feel like the tenants would want me to work reasonably hard and in a focused way, but also sleep and everything. An hour or two for the novel is acceptable, but don’t throw yourself fully into it.