First I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond to me. I read your messages all weekend and this morning before work and it honestly helped me get through the day.
As I write this to you, I am still not well. I did see my psychiatrist last week and he increased my medication from 30mg of paxil to 40mg of paxil. I have flashes of the old me coming back, where, like before, the thoughts are just there and I can just slough them off.
But for the most part I feel very depressed. I am just going through the motions right now. Sometimes I don't even want to do my hair or brush my teeth. I just keep thinking that something is going to happen, like I will act out on my violent thoughts, or do something, and I will never see my precious little girl again. Deep down, I understand that this is a relapse of depression, and I will get through it. My psychiatrist said that having thoughts about being punished for something are quite common during bouts of depression.
And that's all I think about. Going to jail, losing my daughter, losing everyone. Then I start to cry, or get a massive headache and just want to take a sleeping pill.
It is also so difficult because it is making me feel like I am failing as a man. I have a wife and a newborn daughter. I need to be strong and take care of them. And look at me? Crying, anxious all the time.
The slightest conflict with friends or family flares things up even worse. I was told that an increase in paxil might initially make my symptoms worse. All I want to do is enjoy my life with my new family. Is that the root of all this? Is this all just about a fear of me losing control or fear of abandonment? Does obsessions generally revolve around what you fear? If so, then I think I am figuring this disease out. When I had violent thoughts over my ex, I feared or "obsessed" that she hated me and we did not break up nicely. Now that I am having thoughts about this boy on my block, or getting fired, the end result is always me losing my new baby girl.
I think I have made some progress. I have purchased a loop tape and have begun writing exposure scripts.
I am going to try and enjoy the rest of the evening with my wife and child. I will force myself to get fresh air, to talk to someone, cry if I need to. I am really trying to get through this. Thanks for being my crutch.