Okay,

This is my 1st blog entry so I guess I should start with some backround info on my OCD and so forth. I am 24 years old and I can trace my OCD symptoms as far back as 6-7 probablly in 1st grade. I grew up in a very neat, clean, everything has a place home with my grandparents and Mom. I was shaken up at age 5 when my Mom got re-married to my 1st step father. I was used to my grandparents home, and my family situation and had full resentment against my Mom for making me move into a crampped, small apartment, with a new "father figure" and 2 step brothers. So coming from a practically hospital clean environment, I was put into a new living situation and I HATE change to begin with! I started out with organizing my room items. Not just my toys but other things that HAD to be a certain way, in organized ways like colors, themes, ect. I have always loved to do artwork, and if I made a craft, or colored if it did not turn out how I thought it should look or god forbid I color outside a line, I would get totaly panic stricken and would have to try and fix it till I felt it was right. I was always a very tidy, try not to get dirty child, wearing dresses to pre-school on my own choice, and if I got my clothes dirty I would cry and freak out and demand I go get changed. As I grew older my counting started. Un even numbers are my enemy in my mind. I call how I count in my head the 4 points of comfort. like a picture frame has 4 sides GOOD, a doorknob is round NOT good. I start to feel like it is not right and I HAVE to pretend in my head it has 4 sides to count to 4 to make it seem right. I count most things almost always at my house and sometimes other places. up the stairs, down the stairs, how many of each item in the room. My organizing and things having to be a certain way has increased almost 100% since I first started to do so. My laundry room is the one place in my house that the urge to move things around and color cordinate the clothes hangers and all by color, metal or plasic ect. It is VERY time consuming and drives my girl friend crazy. And don't let a sock of mine go missing or I will go on the look through baskets and drawers till it is found. I have a pair of socks that I love so much that my gf gave me a year ago. One went missing and was just found the other day when I moved my bed to put my new one in my room. Everyone that I live with had to hear about that sock every time I did laundry until I just found it! One of my worse habits/compulsions is my showers and hand washing. I HATE to feel dirty/sweaty and I must wash my hands at least well i don't even know it's just gotten so bad to the point of my hands bleeding/cracking even when I use special ointment to help heal them. My shower sessions last any where from 1 1/2 hours to 3 hours per shower and time to get dressed. I have to do everything from washing my hair to putting on my deodorant a certain way and # of times. I have just recently stopped washing my hair every shower and just use the conditoner now, cause I hate knotts in my hair and don't get me started on my hair brushing habits! I take so long in the shower that the water bill has gone up and I am usually late for things and more importantly my job. I am a cashier/front end worker for a major office supply company and this what I am about to tell is how I know other people think I am crazy and that my job could be in jeoprady. Okay, start of my shift after brushing my hair putting my lipgloss on ect., I have to have my register 100% to my liking, clean, orderly, extra receipt paper cause god forbid it should run out during a transaction,bags filled ect. I had problems with math in school and have a terrible fear of being short on the register or over in result I could loose my job. One of the managers called me out on a few things I do while on the job in front of customers no less and caused me to have a full blown out panic attack. She siad that I take to long counting back customers money, why do I have to constantly ask if my drawer was used when I am not at my register ect. I broke down and had to go to the bathroom for like 20 minutes till my anxiety went down. I had a meeting with my GM and explained I did not mean any harm and about needing off at least once a week so I can get back into therapy cause I have not been in a long time and I am progressively getting way worse. I have a wonderful gf who is as understanding as she can be, but she wants me to feel better and not live my life under all my OCD symptoms, and live my life to it's full potential which I actually don't know any other way of living than with my OCD way of life. I have a whole bunch more things that contribute to my OCD but those that I typed about are some of my worse ones. Oh and checking locked doors, stoves and the oven off ect take up a lot of time before feeling comfortable enough to even try and leave my home. I hope to one day find peace of mind and not let my OCD controll my life and have ME in controll of how I live without constant fears and anxietys. Tomorrow I think I will call my therapist and re-set up a weekly appointment with her to try and get through what I can only describe as my own personal Hell. And I have off work for the rest of the week so I am gonna see how bad I get thrown into a cleaning frenzy while I am home…..

2 Comments
  1. bluerosie 10 years ago

    I am so sorry you're going through so much.  🙁  I, too, can look back and see my OCD in my childhood.  Thankfully, it wasn't as bad back when I was a kid, though.  It looks to me like you had a lot more stress at that age than I did, though, so it's not surprising that it took its toll on you. 

    I live in a pretty messy house and it seems I never get anything done, because I've mostly sunk into avoidance rather than taking hours to do most things.  I can't take working any jobs more than a few days a week.  You are amazing to be able to work as much as you do.  

    I wish I had some real advice, but I've only recognized my problem as being OCD recently and am barely learning myself.  I panic at the mere thought of taking care of routine business….  One thing I know, though, is that is has been a great relief to be able to come here and tell people what is really going on with me, knowing that they understand and will not judge me.  Welcome to the tribe!

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  2. tpmnight 10 years ago

    I'm really glad you posted. Welcome to the Tribe 🙂 You'll find so many people who do similar things as you. I can relate to needing to feel "clean" and washing your hands so much they're always cracked and bleeding.

    I think it's great that you're looking to get back into therapy. Good luck! 

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