I know my behaviour is hard to deal with and I guess in the back of my mind I always thought my ex housemate  who I thought was a friend would be there for me. I was wrong. Now I realise that she absolutely hates me. Maybe it was texting her while threatening to drive into a wall. Maybe it was texting her at 3am. Maybe it was me putting too much empathis on one friendship. I don’t really have friends so when one person sticks around in my life I don’t really know how to deal with it. Maybe I react badly. Maybe I expect too much when they say they’ll support me and go ikea shopping with me. I’ve not really got anything to feel proud of in my life. Now I see first hand how much pain and suffering my illness causes. I understand why the suicide rate is so high. It’s not easy trying to be good but failing miserably at every attempt.

i wish I had an answer for why I’m like this but the truth is I’ve given up caring. I like to think I do things from a good place but maybe I am just pure evil. I don’t hold grudges but people hold grudges against me. I never mean to offend others or act against their interests but things are never received that way. I try to be nice but I fail. Gifts meant to bring pleasure are taken with mistrust and contempt.

I can’t do anything right. I’m sick of trying. I fed up with trying to make people see ,y point of view. It’s easier to just be pure evil, the only way I’m ever going to be happy is if my life ended. Deaths is the only reliese. I just want to be understood. That’s it, but it’s too much to ask