I feel like I am at the end of my rope…
As I sit here typing, tears stream freely down my face…I don’t even have to put in any effort to cry, it just happens and I feel powerless to stop it…so, like many, I have had my fair share of tragedy, heart break, mental, emotional, physical abuse just to name a few, but I have always marveled at the way I could get out of bed the next day after horrible abuse and somehow put a smile on my face and try to find the smallest joy and hope in life…I’ve done that for years, and prided myself on being strong, when others may have judged me as weak for what i have tolerated…Well…now I’m realizing that even though I had no power to change my abuser, I have lost precious years of my life by being in someone else’s control and command…I’m sad that my lighthearted, loving spirit is shattered forever and I won’t be able to restore it…in order to just survive myself, I haven’t put extra effort into friendships or family member relationships…nobody knows my sad truth and so I just seem uninterested, un involved…my biggest fear is becoming forgettable…while I am struggling to survive and keep my sanity, those around me have no clue as to the depth of my suffering…I will be forgotten as they carry on with their lives…all my reserve has been used up. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I don’t feel like there is any hope for me.
A friend I went to college with just recently committed suicide and the news was devastating. He was such a wonderful person and full of many talents. He walked fashion runways in New York, choreographed dances for video shoots, had a black belt in karate many talents he had and was well loved by any and everyone he came in contact with. He will definitely be remembered forever by everyone and all of it just made me think how much I want to be loved, admired and missed if I ever pass. I too have been hiding pain and very sad and lonely within my marriage. Everyday I wake up in search of something that I have yet to find that will heal me but I keep faith that I will find it soon. I feel the same is out there for you. We both just ha e to be patient and believe that things will get better.