Lately I've been feeling very tired,  depressed, and frustrated.  I've been counting and checking all the time, and I've had impulses to touch corners and buttons as well.  OCD is a real pain. Most days I just wish it would go away. My family just does not understand how my brain works or the ups and downs that I experience quite often.  A regular doctor once told me that I should use OCD to my advantage, especially when I teach.  But look where it has gotten me:  on medical sabattical until August 2010, and I'm not even sure that I will be able to go back to work at that time.  With all of my labels, I'm not even sure I would want my own child to be taught by someone like me. 

     I'm not looking for a pity party.  I just wish people understood mental disorders.  My house is a mess and I have my flute student coming tomorrow for a lesson.  I teach flute to a beginner once a week.  I am frustrated with that as well because there are skills that I just do without thinking and I can't figure out how to teach those to her.  Her parents are happy with her progress, or so they tell me.  I have always been a perfectionist with my music, so its hard to see her struggle through the lessons. 

     I've also been having trouble leaving the house recently.  I have had no desire to go anywhere.  I just want to stay home and somehow figure out a way to clean up my messy house.  It doesn't make sense that I have a messy house and have OCD, but that's the way it is.  It gets to the point that I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start cleaning.  I can't touch the dirt because I don't want my hands to get dirty from it, but it keeps getting worse.  Maybe I should buy some disposable rubber gloves.  Then I wouldnt' exactly have to touch the mess. 

     Well, that's enough complaining for now!  I need to do something besides sleep.  I think I will work on folding laundry.  At least that is clean!