Lately I've been feeling very tired, depressed, and frustrated. I've been counting and checking all the time, and I've had impulses to touch corners and buttons as well. OCD is a real pain. Most days I just wish it would go away. My family just does not understand how my brain works or the ups and downs that I experience quite often. A regular doctor once told me that I should use OCD to my advantage, especially when I teach. But look where it has gotten me: on medical sabattical until August 2010, and I'm not even sure that I will be able to go back to work at that time. With all of my labels, I'm not even sure I would want my own child to be taught by someone like me.
I'm not looking for a pity party. I just wish people understood mental disorders. My house is a mess and I have my flute student coming tomorrow for a lesson. I teach flute to a beginner once a week. I am frustrated with that as well because there are skills that I just do without thinking and I can't figure out how to teach those to her. Her parents are happy with her progress, or so they tell me. I have always been a perfectionist with my music, so its hard to see her struggle through the lessons.
I've also been having trouble leaving the house recently. I have had no desire to go anywhere. I just want to stay home and somehow figure out a way to clean up my messy house. It doesn't make sense that I have a messy house and have OCD, but that's the way it is. It gets to the point that I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start cleaning. I can't touch the dirt because I don't want my hands to get dirty from it, but it keeps getting worse. Maybe I should buy some disposable rubber gloves. Then I wouldnt' exactly have to touch the mess.
Well, that's enough complaining for now! I need to do something besides sleep. I think I will work on folding laundry. At least that is clean!