I have been in such a funk for over a year and am finding it hard to get to a more stable place. This depression and anxiety have lasted so much longer than it has in the recent years. So much so that it has taken a toll on my health. It so frustrating because it just seems like. I’m caught in a loop. I feel sick, tired, frustrated and angry. There are days I feel some motivation to get things done and then it’s like I take a crap load of steps back. I have different ailments that get even more aggravated with this never ending cycle. I’m in constant pain but also need exercise to help me feel better and have more energy, but when I have flare ups I can barley even move. It so damn enraging. Then I have to adult and can’t even be bothered doing that. Dealing with my kids has also proved to be extremely difficult. Even though they are adults they still live with me, something I don’t have a problem with, but they constant self centered attitudes and the fighting between them and me gets to be a bit much. My youngest son has been getting worse and worse  (he’s on the autism spectrum). He and my oldest are constantly fighting with each other and it leave my nerves so rattled. I want my eldest to move out because he causes alot of disruption in the house. They are good kids and have never been in any trouble or on drugs but they have anger issues caused by trauma. Some caused by me and my ex-husband who was abusive and me for being a mentally ill mom and allowing my ex to be an ass around and to them.

For this, I carry around alot of guilt. I have guilt for many things and this still plagues me. I want to to right by them but have a hard time just taking care of myself. I fell selfish for wanting to only worry about myself. I have been a mom since I was 17 and was hoping that by this point in my life I would be able to live my own life and do my own thing. I feel angry that my my son’s dads were/are not good influences in their lives. My ex-husband, who also suffered abuse from his dad, just couldn’t cut it as a dad. I feel like i tried to force him in to it even though all the warning signs and red flags were there. The warning signs are always there and I have always ignored them thinking i could do something to change people. Even in my current relationship (which is non existent). As of last November we are no longer a couple and are just roommates. Which is another source of frustration because I have to depend on him for money because I am no longer working. My health issues have left me incapacitated and unable to work. I have worked since I was 15 and have never had to depend on anyone for money and that is a big pill to swallow. I feel so helpless and useless at times. I hate not being able to do anything for myself right now. *Que in anger and frustration*. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost at times. I was doing so well health wise for a long time. Always had the mental health stuff going on but I was able to cope with it better. I feel like I have people in my life that are always holding me back/down. I don’t want to feel that. Especially when my youngest is still so dependent on me and his dad, His dad doesn’t help much but does take him for a couple of hours a day. He takes him and all he does is lay around and eat crap. His health also needs alot of improvement and his dad is just a selfish idiot, I had so much more to write but I keep being interrupted but the kids. It’s 9:35 pm and my youngest is fighting with me about getting his routine done and my eldest is playing his fucking guitar loud. I need some piece so bad. I feel like I’m going mad some days. I need strength omg. Rant over for now.

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