It’s been.. years… since I sought help outside my family and inner circle. I’ve always relied on friends, or my family, to help me and support me, and when possible, for me to return the favor, however, world events have caused, through various reasons, that support system to cave and crumble under the weight of its own individual pressures. The circle has grown smaller, and the weight of things threatens to break even THAT apart.
I’m overly friendly, my depression and anxiety make it difficult to make new friends. The same causes me to wonder if the friends I DO have are really my friends, or just putting up with me. I don’t understand some social cues, and that makes it difficult to react accordingly, and for that I am often getting into trouble with people. My chosen mate is work from home due to the Pandemic, so my old schedules and routines are thrown out the window and change is difficult. While I try to adjust to new schedules, with his overtime and varied hours it makes it difficult and I lose my temper often, though I try not to.
I want to be better. I want to FEEL better. I know it isn’t an instant process. Thirty Five years on this planet has proven to me it isn’t… Coming to terms with my gender-fluid identity at thirty five, also, is a bit difficult, and I am.. uncertain.. how to proceed with that. I didn’t even know what it was called until a friend explained it to me. For most of my life I have been labeled as I was born. Female. I am only now, in the middle of my life, coming to terms with that not being entirely the case, and actually being OKAY with that… that its not wrong, or weird, and while I have no one I can talk to about it, I try to tell myself that its OKAY to not.. conform to the binary structure, That its okay to be one one day, one another… somewhere between?
I found this site on a google search, looking for help, because I want to take this step. I want to be a better person….. I just… need a little help…