I have had this freakin' disorder since I was 20.   It's taken many forms since then. I'm 39 now. The latest incarnation was obsessing over my divorce. Whether I made the "right" decision or not. It was awful. I began "doubting" shortly after asking for it. I worried and worried, fighting conflicting "feelings" of really  wanting it and thinking I really didn't want it. In the end, I went through with it and I'm happy about not being with my ex anymore, but the anxiety and doubting were awful.  I would always feel like a "fake" when I with my new boyfriend.  I always had a feeling that it was "wrong" but not able to say why.  It made no sense and was not based in reality.

I am so glad I found this site. Just reading the experiences of others suffering and struggling with this has helped so much. I Understand that I am not alone.  I also am beginning to understand other things I have struggled with are and always have been OCD too.  Like worrying if I really "liked" someone I'm with. I've done that with my current boyfriend. I know he is the best thing that has ever happenned to me. He's a beautiful man, artistic, sensitive, sharing, so sexy and my soulmate. I know this, but I struggle with "feeling" the way I want to.  It's odd because sometimes I feel it and then I feel so happy.  I can feel the love I have for him in my heart. But then my head will question and doubt.  It's so hard and really steals away a part of my life that is very important to me, my relationships. 

 But regardless of the OCD I have, I will push it aside and go on. I feel like I have to make a conscious decision to go with what my heart feels overwhelmingly, and ignore my head. It's hard and like I said, part of me is broken and effected by this in an area of my life that I value deeply. 

 

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