This past semester I had painting at 9:10am. Hard enough as it is to wake up at 9, and to get enough sleep at the same time, each day, as the stressed grew when classes got to the more difficult projects I continually took longer and longer getting ready. I’d wake up an hour before school, which is about a half hour away, get to schoool a half hour or later after class commenced, unshowered and unfed. This is one the few places I think the time that up and vanished could be understood… I’d be late and get more stressed out, turn the car around and do more … rather pointless activities. What can I do? There are things that If i don’t do in the morning the rest of the day I feel so uneasy the beauty all fades. My head aches, filled with the pressure of a thousand thoughts, and seem distracted to people who don’t understand; they think me absent minded when really there is more going on in my mind at that moment than I could explain in a days time… There are the few friends that know me, but sometimes, I can’t even answer the phone, can’t visit, like a cigarette the closeness we shared burns away to nothing; a nasty last drag and a grave with a hundred other identicals.. Its so hard to tell anyone why I can’t see them, most take it personal. Then I go out once, and other friends see me, or hear about it, and take it even more personal because I can hang out with one person but not another. If i go out twice a month there is just no way to see them all. I usually can’t even call them first, the tension builds and Ijust want to turn the car around. Countless times I’ve driven out to see someone, no call, they weren’t there, so I buy a pack and sit in the car, or at the park, and wait to be called. Then turn around and go back home.

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