Thursday evening I obsessed myself out of sleep. Friday I could not sleep either. I spent four hours of class obsessing. I had a mondo headache. And the whole time I knew why, but as hard as I tried to make it better, the compulsion to obsess about the future just took over my mind completely. It had to stop. So I called up my doctor and said I wanted to go back on Zoloft. Since Friday night I have not been able to sleep but last night I took klonopin and I actually fell asleep. The Zoloft made me lose my appetite, gave me upset stomach and kept me awake at night, and still does all of those things. But I’m not going to give up on it because I know that these side effects will slowly dissapate. Being happy and healthy are more important things than losing my mind to obsessions and ruining my body to compulsions. I’ve realized that I cannot be in a relationship until my own self is balanced, and I accept myself and I am confident and happy with who I am. So I am going to stop looking. I do not want to get into a mess again (since my last girlfriend). Every day my goal is to stop thinking about the future, and focus on the present. My goal is to continue to go to school and learn, and take more classes. I used to want to work in the animal field, but I think that now I just want to do simple clerical work such as typing, data entry, phone calls and filing etc. I think that I am not an extraordinary person but I am worth the effort to at least make myself happy and content, no matter how little that may compare to others around me. And that’s just the thing. As soon as I stop comparing myself to others, I can get on with my own life.


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