Two days in a row that I got 8 hours of sleep. My head feels alot better. No more liquidy feeling rushing back and forth. The middle of my head still feels a tad bit weird… I remember everything I said and did. The way I acted and how it made me feel. The thoughts I had. But I don't want to think about those anymore. It felt like I relived my entire life. Fucking strange freaky feeling… And it made my head and stomach hurt really bad.
Work was better then it was last night. I think I'm almost back to my not so "normal" self 😀 but I won't say I am because I still feel a little strange. But the more I sleep the better I feel. Now that I can actualy sleep again… I know something is still not right in there, I'm tring, and I can do it! I won't give up. I'm not a quitter.
And I find myself still avoiding some people and places… But I've got to face my dragon and not feed it… But I'll do that one at a time and take it slow. Even though I have a tendency to dive right in.
And I'm quite jumppy which I numbed myself to that a long time ago so it's all new to me… No more scary movies… No more caffeine. Sigh It's for the better, I hear. And so far the no caffeine has chilled me out quite a bit. I can stop myself and say is that a rational thought? If not throw it into the invisable trash can. lol
And all this is old and new to me and it's scary. Because I use to say No or I don't want to, than one day I just gave in because it felt it didn't matter what I needed or wanted. And I don't like fighting or yelling. But it felt like I had to do it because no one would listen to me… I do however like arguing if the other person doesn't take it personal. And it does matter. It matters to me. And if someone doesn't like what I have to say or how I say it that is their problem and not mine. I shouldn't care. Well unless I hurt their feelings… I don't want to do that. I know I say assholeish things but I don't mean them. Where as before I would act like I didn't care when really I did but I wouldn't let them know that. I think I flipped everything at some point… I was being a lion with the heart of a kitten when really I am kitten with the heart of a lion. Roar!
And as for Derick, I tried calling him to come over so I could talk to him. But you know what I shouldn't feel bad… Because it was his dumbass that pushed me over the edge. I don't hate him, but I sure don't like his actions. Asshole. And what he did was personal… Because it involved me. And in the past when we said things I thought we were just joking but I think he beleives them and acts them out… But oh well I really don't care anymore, after talking with some people I realized it's not me, it's him. And I shouldn't feel bad about it.
And I had another dream I can remember… There was a baby squirrel and it ran into the house and up the stairs into my parents bedroom. It burrowed into some blankets on the floor. I pulled the blankets back slowly and gave him some nuts. Then picked him up in the blanket and took him to my bedroom and put him into a box, then into a drawer…
And atleast it's Friday!.. Issac's birthday party is Saturday. We still have to get him a gift.