Two days in a row that I got 8 hours of sleep.  My head feels alot better.  No more liquidy feeling rushing back and forth.  The middle of my head still feels a tad bit weird…  I remember everything I said and did.  The way I acted and how it made me feel.  The thoughts I had.  But I don't want to think about those anymore.  It felt like I relived my entire life.  Fucking strange freaky feeling…  And it made my head and stomach hurt really bad. 

Work was better then it was last night.  I think I'm almost back to my not so "normal" self 😀 but I won't say I am because I still feel a little strange.  But the more I sleep the better I feel.  Now that I can actualy sleep again…  I know something is still not right in there, I'm tring, and I can do it!  I won't give up.  I'm not a quitter.

And I find myself still avoiding some people and places…  But I've got to face my dragon and not feed it…  But I'll do that one at a time and take it slow.  Even though I have a tendency to dive right in. 

And I'm quite jumppy which I numbed myself to that a long time ago so it's all new to me…  No more scary movies…  No more caffeine.  Sigh It's for the better, I hear.  And so far the no caffeine has chilled me out quite a bit.  I can stop myself and say is that a rational thought?  If not throw it into the invisable trash can.  lol

And all this is old and new to me and it's scary.  Because I use to say No or I don't want to, than one day I just gave in because it felt it didn't matter what I needed or wanted.  And I don't like fighting or yelling.  But it felt like I had to do it because no one would listen to me…  I do however like arguing if the other person doesn't take it personal.  And it does matter.  It matters to me.  And if someone doesn't like what I have to say or how I say it that is their problem and not mine.  I shouldn't care.  Well unless I hurt their feelings…  I don't want to do that.  I know I say assholeish things but I don't mean them.  Where as before I would act like I didn't care when really I did but I wouldn't let them know that.  I think I flipped everything at some point…  I was being a lion with the heart of a kitten when really I am kitten with the heart of a lion.  Roar!

And as for Derick, I tried calling him to come over so I could talk to him.  But you know what I shouldn't feel bad…  Because it was his dumbass that pushed me over the edge.  I don't hate him, but I sure don't like his actions.  Asshole.  And what he did was personal…  Because it involved me.  And in the past when we said things I thought we were just joking but I think he beleives them and acts them out…  But oh well I really don't care anymore, after talking with some people I realized it's not me, it's him.  And I shouldn't feel bad about it.

And I had another dream I can remember…  There was a baby squirrel and it ran into the house and up the stairs into my parents bedroom.  It burrowed into some blankets on the floor.  I pulled the blankets back slowly and gave him some nuts.  Then picked him up in the blanket and took him to my bedroom and put him into a box, then into a drawer…

And atleast it's Friday!..  Issac's birthday party is Saturday.  We still have to get him a gift.