I feel toxic. 

I feel like something awful is starting to run rampant in my head.  I feel like my skin is crawling.  I feel like I am losing control.  I will not be like that again.  I will not allow it. 

I'm being smarter about it this time. People (with one exception, who is far away) can't really see it, yet.  And, no one is going to.  I am going to figure this out, or deal with it any way I have to.  I won't live like that, again.

It's not like I like myself all that much now.  But, at least I can see it.  I can see it when my thoughts aren't right.  But, I can't shake it.  I caught myself arguing with myself out loud.  Out loud…  can you fucking imagine that?  What if someone saw that?  No one did.  No one will.  It's not going to happen.

I can handle this.  I've handled a hundred other things.  I just wasn't ready to start getting worse before I felt…  like I was really better.  Maybe, as close to complete as I was going to get…  maybe I was expecting a real break.  A real chance to accomplish something before I started fucking it all up again…

I am whining like a child.  Why should I get a break?  Life isn't fair, and it's not like I've earned one.  Not in the general sense, anyway…

So, neuroleptics are next on the menu.  Yum, right?  My shrink and I briefly discussed Abilify.  I did not want to go there.  I wanted to ride it out and see if this gets better, but if I wait…  I'm not going to be the person I've become in the past year.  That person may be a little broken down, but she is the sanest version of myself that I have been in YEARS.  More than five at least…  probably closer to seven.  And, even before that, I was miserable.  Anyway, I am not going back without a fight.  The way I was, I could not see myself clearly.  My introspection was jammed up with my imagination and I'd get into a mode where nothing seemed real, other than my memories and my dreams.  I thought so quickly.  So many things…  but so much hurt.  That still happens sometimes, but I know what it is, and I can fight what goes on in my head.  I see when I am going off course, and I try to fix it.  I try.

I never got totally right.  I know I may never be totally right.  But, trust me, I don't usually sound this off.  I must sound like a manic catastrophe right now, but I usually have some sort of grip. 

I have to call my doctor tomorrow.  I have to tell him that I need to see him, right away.  I have to take care of this.  Because this has to stop.


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