I feel toxic.
I feel like something awful is starting to run rampant in my head. I feel like my skin is crawling. I feel like I am losing control. I will not be like that again. I will not allow it.
I'm being smarter about it this time. People (with one exception, who is far away) can't really see it, yet. And, no one is going to. I am going to figure this out, or deal with it any way I have to. I won't live like that, again.
It's not like I like myself all that much now. But, at least I can see it. I can see it when my thoughts aren't right. But, I can't shake it. I caught myself arguing with myself out loud. Out loud… can you fucking imagine that? What if someone saw that? No one did. No one will. It's not going to happen.
I can handle this. I've handled a hundred other things. I just wasn't ready to start getting worse before I felt… like I was really better. Maybe, as close to complete as I was going to get… maybe I was expecting a real break. A real chance to accomplish something before I started fucking it all up again…
I am whining like a child. Why should I get a break? Life isn't fair, and it's not like I've earned one. Not in the general sense, anyway…
So, neuroleptics are next on the menu. Yum, right? My shrink and I briefly discussed Abilify. I did not want to go there. I wanted to ride it out and see if this gets better, but if I wait… I'm not going to be the person I've become in the past year. That person may be a little broken down, but she is the sanest version of myself that I have been in YEARS. More than five at least… probably closer to seven. And, even before that, I was miserable. Anyway, I am not going back without a fight. The way I was, I could not see myself clearly. My introspection was jammed up with my imagination and I'd get into a mode where nothing seemed real, other than my memories and my dreams. I thought so quickly. So many things… but so much hurt. That still happens sometimes, but I know what it is, and I can fight what goes on in my head. I see when I am going off course, and I try to fix it. I try.
I never got totally right. I know I may never be totally right. But, trust me, I don't usually sound this off. I must sound like a manic catastrophe right now, but I usually have some sort of grip.
I have to call my doctor tomorrow. I have to tell him that I need to see him, right away. I have to take care of this. Because this has to stop.