My emotions have been on a rollercoaster ride and I really have to hang on! Yesterday I had a horrible day and I actually thought to myself I wish I was dead….. After I said it, it hit me so hard that I'm back to the same place that I have been fighting to get away from. I havent said anything like that in maybe a year or so and I realize I need to change or one of these days I might freak out and hurt myself again.

Its a whole variety of things where I feel stuck in a rut.  It all started two years ago when my fiance dad died and his work fired him because he wouldnt come in the next day. From there he hasnt been able to find a full time job so I had to pick up another job to cover his half. So I work two jobs about 55 hours a week. And we still cant make ends meet. I know it doesnt seem like alot but when you have had to work it for two years range 50-75hrs a week it gets crazy and it doesnt help that I already have depression, anxiety, and major stress issues. So I just feel like I am falling apart and dont know where to turn or what to do. We have done everything in our area trying to get him another part time job but nothing… So I'm stressin because I think if we ever want to make something of ourselves and actually want to get a home and get married we have to get out of here.

This is that hard part for me. I have worked at a job for over 6 and half years now and its a family owned business. I love my family and love my job but I will never move up in the business or ever make alot of money. But if we move I can still work here but will it actually be worth it having to drive 30 min away . I pay all my healthcare and all that and wont ever recieve benefits here so I can get another job and make money and get benefits if I choose to go with another job. Its hard for me to want to step out of a job where I know I have job security and I will always get a pay check to actually go out and look to see if I can get another job in nursing. I just dont know what to do. I know we need to do something  because we are going down hill fast. I know if we move he can get a job (full time or two part time) and we might actually start to make it. But the delima is should I go my seperate way from my job now to actually make more and recieve more benefits and so forth or stay where I am and never grow in the job or make anymore money.. I'm just so stuck! Its so hard when it has to do with family. I want more but I'm afraid to walk away from a good job to look for something better…

Any help from the outside looking in would be helpful.


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