I was clean before all of this. I went through four years without a single break down, attack, a need to self-harm During the being of this year I was sexuality harass by a family member and I began to feel more depressed and anxious by the days. This ruined the only thing I had, my relationship, I never felt like I could actually depend on someone until we had dated for a year. I never told him in detail my problems because I didn’t want him to think less of me. It feels like I drove him into not wanting to be with me, I see now I was toxic in many cases. When I finally told him what was going on he was pretty understanding but we needed time away from each other and get better because he, himself, has problems. my insurance is a piece of shit and I don’t have a therapist anymore. I have begun to feel more anxious, my panic attacks are really hard to control and after 4 years of not self-harming, I went down the road. I realized how toxic I am, I really want to let go of him because he is so loving and such a great best friend, he doesn’t deserve the whole mess I am. I really hate the fact that I am going back in time. I really want to live my life and be happy. I really hope I can find the support I need here.