my mood?  hahaha, i have no idea – i never do – does it even matter?  it's only going to change in ten minutes.  [br][br] so i'm not chronically depressed – i'm on here because i've got borderline personality disorder.  so sometimes i feel like the world is amazing and everything is so perfect and i'm so in love with everything…and then ten minutes later (i usually operate on a 'ten-minute rule') i'm getting agitated and angry and worked up over everything and i'm having fits of rage and hurting people in unimaginable ways, and i don't even feel like there, and then suddenly i'm back to being 'myself' (whatever that even means) and i'm like…omg why did i say any of that?  why did i do that?  how did i even become that person?  or i'll just be so gleefully ecstatic and then out of nowhere just CRASH and plummet to the depths of depression and feel so blank and empty that i feel desperate like omg this is never going to end, i can't even feel anything, i'm so dead inside, i don't know why i'm even alive, there's no way out except suicide – and thank god i've never actually attempted it because ten minutes later…i'm absolutely fine. [br][br] i don't know who i am, really.  i feel like at least two completely strikingly different people occupying the same shell of a body.  people tell me 'well that doesnt sound like you' and i think 'you just have no idea who i really am'.  i am not merely emotional, i'm not even just bipolar, i am literally crazy, is how i see it.  i've always felt this way, no one ever believed me but i've been diagnosed now and i know it.  like finally i've got these answers to who i am.  [br][br] really, i think, if people knew who i really am, they'd just run, they wouldn't want to know me.  i often want to run from me, even.  maybe that's when i dissociate and just mentally vanish, i could be doing anything and i wouldn't really be aware of it cause mentally i was off somewhere else, not dealing with the issues at hand.  i am so completely unhinged, is how i feel.  i keep trying to explain it to people, and they look at me like they don't know what to say…and really, how can they?  like, how can i even expect them to have ANY idea what to say, because half the time i really do manage to come off as this well-presented woman who manages her life okay and has a good job and a child and a fiance and ambitions and a degree, etc. but then…no one knows how inside i just feel like all of it is fake, i'm just pretending, i'm acting in some role i've decided i want to play, but i don't really know how to become it.  i'm just getting better at playing the game, the more i play it, i suppose, although i still haven't managed to get it perfectly right.  sometimes i get caught out.  but yeah…if people had any idea how much i fall apart inside…but then again, like…don't worry about me because really i'm going to be just fine, i'm always fine.  the world is ending for me, but i'm still going to be just fine, just give me ten minutes….


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