The hypocrisy of the people around me is overwhelming. yesterday, while trying to explain my feelings and thoughts to the people in my support group, trying to explain the utter betrayal of someone whom I believe to be my friend and why I was so devastated over the outcome of our shattered relationship, I was suddenly told to not let it bother me, to get over it, and move on. Another woman suggested that I needed to go spend more time in the sun, go shopping and buy myself something, and most importantly smile and be happy!
Oh yay! They have made me see the light and changed my ways! Who would have thought it only took ten minutes with these enlightening individuals. Not only have I managed to just forget a woman who had been my best friend for nearly three years, moved on in a matter of minutes, and relinquish all of the hurt and disappointment I feel, but I have also managed to thwart a depression that has plagued me for over twenty-years, and changed my entire personality from dark and gothic to happy-go-lucky, rainbow loving, hippy wanna be, in just one group session! Who would have thought that all it takes for a little happiness is some sunshine and a smile? Why didn’t I think of this concept years ago? I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.
Honestly, where do these people come from, and do they actually apply their logic to their own lives…I would guess no, they do not.
It’s easy to tell someone to get over it and move on, but harder to implement that advice into your own situation. I can take advice and I appreciate good advice but I just feel like these people were unsympathetic to my feelings. One woman asked me, “Why do you care? Why are you letting it bother it? When someone uses you and treats you badly you should just say F*** them, cut your losses and walk away!” Is that actually possible and if is it is, is it even healthy to just cut your losses? How can you pretend as if the last three years of your life meant nothing and didn’t matter? How can you just shrug off all of the effort and emotions that you put into something, into someone, and dismiss it all without so much as a second thought? If I were able to do that, I should be locked away because I am sure it would make me a sociopath and probably on my way to becoming a serial killer. As much as I like Dexter and Hannibal, I don’t really think I want trapped inside of a mind that cannot feel. I might as well be a zombie and start eating people.
There are times when I think that maybe it would actually be nice to be void of all emotions. Especially when I get angry and can’t seem to control or squash the rage I feel inside of me, but to do that I would have to lose my ability to love and feel happiness as well, and that is something I would never want to do.
I know that anger is a healthy emotion; I just need to keep it from controlling me and getting out of hand. Sometimes I get short with my kids, I yell more than I need to and I frustrated over little things that shouldn’t really matter. Part of my frustration, my anger and my disappointment is that I feel alone all the time. I have a wonderful partner and he does what he can to help me out around the house and with the kids but I don’t really feel that I can talk to him about things that bother me. I definitely can’t talk to him about things that he does or doesn’t do that upset me; he sees that as a blatant attack against him. When he gets defensive about things, I know that the conversation is over because there is no way that I can reason with him.
If I try to explain other issues I have that are upsetting me, he just assumes that I am complaining or trying to get attention. My family isn’t any better, they all have their own issues and problems and really can’t be bothered with mine, and they say that I am just feeling sorry for myself. My mom’s favorite thing to tell me is that she raised all her kids on her own with no husband and no child support and had to work two jobs to support us all. She had to hire baby sitters and she worked long hours so she really doesn’t want to hear about my problems with my kids, in her eyes my kids are angels anyway. What she doesn’t understand, and what I can’t seem to get her to see, is that I have a little bit of a different situation because my two youngest kids are special needs. My daughter has autism, mild mental retardation and has epilepsy; she is seven years old but she has the mind of a two year old and I have to consider those things when I care for her or find babysitters or other programs that will take her. She is not potty trained so a typical type day care center is out of the question. She goes to a school for MRDD and currently I have her in a two week summer camp, which is a huge help, but on the weekends or during vacations when I have her home it’s like a night mare. My five year old son is labeled as PDD or Pervasive developmental delay, with autistic like tendencies, he has a speech delay and also has ADHD. He gets very possessive of me and is jealous of any extra time that I spend with his sister and of course, he is too young to really understand that she needs extra help. My son can dress himself, bathe himself, feed himself and many other things that my daughter is unable to do so its common sense that I would need to help her more. Unfortunately, I feel that my son feels a bit like he is being thrown under the bus because he doesn’t get the same type of care and attention that my daughter does. In many ways, caring for my daughter is like having a new baby in the house, only this baby will never grow up. When she needs something and can’t communicate those needs, she screams and throws a fit. She doesn’t understand if I tell her to wait or be patient or give me one second. All she knows is that she wants something and she wants it right now. Of course, I don’t give into her every whim, sometimes I have to just let her scream it out for a while, but then that means that we have to listen to her scream which is also frustrating. I feel bad because when my friends tell me about how hard they have it with their kids I want to look at them and say, “Well, at least your kids are normal” Not that my kids aren’t normal but having typically developing children would be a blessing to me. Just being able to sit down and have a conversation with my kids, one that makes sense and isn’t one sided, would make me so happy. To ask my daughter a question, get a real answer, and not just have her repeat back to me what I have just said to her. I don’t think many people consider those things when they complain about their kids coming home late, or being mouthy or not getting their homework done. My daughter will probably never date, never drive, never go to the prom or any of the things that a teenage girl should be doing, but she will always be my baby and I love her just the same.
The sad thing is that I have been there for my friends; I have listened to their problems, offered advice to them and tried to help them see the more positive things in life even though they never really want to hear about what’s going on in my life. Now that I have finally said “Hey wait a second, I need some support too. I’m depressed, I’m hurt and I need a shoulder to cry on…” now that I am not the rock for them to lean on use and then discard when no longer needed, now…I find myself alone. None of my ‘friends’ have spoken to me in two days, not so much as liked a post on my facebook page or asked me how I am doing. It’s as if they have totally just disappeared, and what’s worse is that last night I found out that some of them are actually talking about me behind my back, laughing at me and saying how I am selfish and dishonest.
Apparently, an internet troll who uses a proxy has recently been coming online using an IP address that is similar to mine, and again this is not on this site, it’s in a user chat room on another site. Anyway, this person has been using an IP that is similar to mine and so a few people have questioned whether this person and I are the same. Instead of coming to me and asking me about it or actually checking my IP address to see if they match, people are just taking these rumors at face value and now I am either being shunned or kicked out of rooms that I was once welcomed in. I guess trust is a thing of the past, especially since I have stood by these friends who were being harassed by the troll. I am wondering if this new rumor about me has something to do with the fact that I told my friend to just ignore the person, mute them in the room and stop giving them attention and they will go away. She told me that me saying this really upset her because this troll made it personal and now my friend says that if she can’t report them and get them removed from the site, and obviously kicking and banning them from her room doesn’t work, that she feels the need to troll them back. Well, that won’t help and frankly I find it immature and I refused to be a party to it. I guess that was my betrayal to her even though I saw it differently, she feels that as her friend I should have been there with her going along with her fight and adding to the drama that I was attempting to be rid of. What good does it really do to feed a fire? If you take away the fuel and oxygen eventually, it will die out, right?
Maybe I’m better off alone, or at least better off without these people in my life. I’ve grown up and changed a lot about myself, changed who I was and am working on becoming a better man and a better father. I guess until my friend is willing to grow up too, she isn’t going to be much of a friend.