(oh boys – was it really this bad?)

you can feign cheerfulness, and it might be suiting – it's funny how things seem so drastically real when you're in crisis, when everything seems to be caving in to you superglued to the floor. how everything seems so painfully hopeless, terrifyingly meaningless in the long run. and then how terrifyingly meaningful it is, how it can all come back to get you. it's funny-

some people don't know. no one really wants to live in the REAL world.

i'm sorry, i won't be able to come round tomorrow

i might not be alive then

not alive, not really

tell them i promise i'll come back and everything will be fine

tell them i'm sorry. i know it won't matter

but it will. that's the worst part.

tense, trembling. "don't underestimate your ability to deal with things. don't underestimate your ability to mess up."

how do i get out of this? what he said in his lecture was discomforting: "don't think you can escape so easily." it's depressing how true that is. i wonder if they noticed something wrong with me. i wonder if i deserve help.

something is wrong.

this is what i'm afraid of- disappointment, false hopes, lost hope, giving up, being given up on, lies, the truth, betrayal, annoyance, no escape, no meaning, worthlessness, degrading, mistakes, uncertainty, failure, false success, misunderstanding, accusations, hate, not being good enough, arguments, beratements, wrong paths, dead ends, the end of everything, being forsaken, rejection, moments of absolute despair, undying regrets, false friendships, breaking down, acting up, no explanations, no excuses, no rights, no dreams, no room to breathe, no mercy, no more second chances. hell.

(i am so many things, yet i am not enough)

drama aside, will she believe me? no – i can't i can't i can't be this way anymore

always the same: THIS IS NO TIME TO BE FALLING APART

sing me to sleep, i hope i don't wake up tomorrow

not to this world, this world where i am tomorrow

suffocating meaning and highs i'll never reach

it's a long way down…

i can't escape this, can i?

i can't escape.