Well, it's apparently that time again ~ the time of the night when I end up wandering the house. It's almost like I'm looking for something, but I don't know what it could be. But this has been an ongoing thing for longer than I can really remember, it seems.

I'm making a pot of coffee as I write this, because I feel wide awake. I'll probably go back to sleep at some point, but it may be a few hours from now. I know that well enough by now.

We had the most magical evening with Zachary last night! For Easter I bought him some Glow Fusion Bubbles which are supposed to glow in the dark. We waited until last night to do them because he usually goes to bed before dark. That stuff is awesome!!! It comes in 3 different colors, but I bought him the orange one. The best part is it's non-toxic and doesn't dye anything you get it on. I wish I could've gotten pictures of it! It was so strange ~ we went out on the driveway and lawn and there was orange glowing all over the yard and the trees. It was like we had hung stars all around us! When there got to be too little left to use for bubbles we stuck our fingers in it and painted our hands and did handprints on the concrete and drawings. It was the best $3.00 I've ever spent I think. It is messy, but that's half the fun! Zachary was in heaven! I haven't seen him play that hard or laugh that much in years. It was like having a 4 year-old filled with wonder and delight all over again. 😀  And all we had to do for cleanup was send him to take a shower. The solution just fades away. Cool huh?

Speaking of cool ~ it's pretty nice out tonight. It's got to be in the low 60's and breezy. I'm actually wearing a robe because I'm slightly chilly. I know, I'm a wuss compared to those of you that have a real winter, lol. I'm sad that this is probably going to be our last cool front for the season. No more campfires or smores or just hanging out around the fire laughing. But now it comes to beach time! In a week or two it will be time to hit the sand most likely. I'll have to live in sunscreen for the next 6 months, yuck. I hate being so light-skinned!

I'm really excited about getting my car fixed tomorrow and having a night with just me and my husband. I have no idea what we'll go do, or if we'll go do anything at all; but it's the first time we've been able to do this in months (and not have someone come down with the flu or something).

I didn't practice yesterday because I did so much running around. That means I'll have to definitely practice today. I want to be myself again, and that means playing the violin and viola. So this is a road to self-recovery. It's sad how I let the bipolar disorder take over my life and decide for me what I was capable of or not. I'm taking my power back! This is MY life and it's MY choice how I choose to spend it! No illness is going to tell me what I can and can't accomplish.

I know there will be rough days ahead, days that I want to give up and give in, but in those days I'll try to remember it's just one day at a time. I may be down for a few days but I ultimately choose how I react and respond to them. I can choose to be optimistic or can choose to be swallowed by depression. I think I choose optimism and hope.

I had a hard conversation with my husband tonight after all the fun. You see, I feel like a ghost in this house. Strange analogy but true. I'm here, but half the time I feel like nobody notices my presence unless I make myself heard. I feel like my being here is taken advantage of by my husband, Mom and son even sometimes. The only time I get attention from people is if I make dinner (food is one of my husband's favorite things) or if I shut off the t.v. in front of everyone. I hate t.v.! It steals my family away from me.

The worst offender about media is Aaron. He's a media junkie. As soon as he walks in the door he turns on the t.v. and/or the computer. Zachary heads for his room and does the same thing. It's so frustrating! I feel like my family gives up all their quality time to electronic media and not each other.

When I told Aaron this he was not happy to hear it and tried to deny it. "But I DO spend a lot of time with you!", he complained. "Me sitting with you while your watching t.v. doesn't count and neither does sitting nearby on the computer and throwing me a question now and then", I told him. "Oh.", he said.

I don't mind a couple hours of t.v. a day, but constantly having it on and being glued to it is way too much. At one point I did want to practice and couldn't because the t.v. was on and there was nowhere else to go to practice. It really infuriated me! I'm so tired of feeling like my needs and desires are put last. It would be so nice to be wanted for conversations or snuggling or playing games together. Is that too much to ask?

But enough complaining. I had a wonderful and special evening with my family and THAT was quality time.

Alright, that's it for my night-time blog. I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday morning! (((HUGS)))

2 Comments
  1. Inspiredwriter 9 years ago

     Oh my goodness I love your decision: 

    I'm taking my power back! This is MY life and it's MY choice how I choose to spend it! No illness is going to tell me what I can and can't accomplish.

     

    This is exactly how I feel with my depression.  It's such a hard struggle and sometimes it feels like it's not worth it.  But yesterday, while riding in my friends car after going to dinner, I realized that I need to take my power, my control, back.  Depression will not rule my life.  

    Thank you for sharing, you inspire me.  

     

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  2. Andie372 9 years ago

     My husband constantly has the TV on.  usually with his laptop in his lap and cell phone near by.  It frustrates me because the noise of it all makes me quite anxious sometimes and I have to go to my bedroom and shut the door, for some quiet.  

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