The perfect way to describe me right now is from a quote I heard from an HBO show. "Do you always purposely try to depress me everytime I see you?" That is exactly how I feel everytime I see my mom. From reading my previous blogs you can see that this is not my first rodeo in trying to dodge her insults. She says she does it because she wants the best for me and because she loves me but up until what point is it too much? My counselor (Yes, I began seeing one two weeks ago) says that I’ve taken too much crap from everyone and that he is going to try to help me draw that line so it won’t become a problem in my life.
It seems the only thing that maintains a healthy balance is my boyfriend. Of course we have our bad days but those are nothing compared to my bad days at home. Whenever he knows I get out of control (which means me crying) its almost as if he knows exactly what to do. He is the rock I have in my life, but I’m afraid that what happened with you know who is going to happen again. Although that underlying fear lies prevalent in my life, I know he won’t turn his back on me because when he found out about my cuts on my arms he asked why did I do it and if I still did it. He knows all about my problems and it’s almost as if he accepts me for my faults. I guess it’s a twp way street because he has a problem with alcohol and we help each other out. That’s a funny combination- an eating disorder patient with an alcohol addict. Hey, we can help each other with our problems, I really like that.
Anyway, back to the problem at hand. I have been eating only one meal a day and it seems as though it’s not good enough for her. It seems as though no matter what I do nothing is ever good enough for my parents. I feel like I am unable to satisfy them. It depresses me because I know that this life that I am living is for ME, and I’m supposed to make ME happy, but I just can’t. I’m not happy unless someone else is happy with what I’m doing. Of course my boyfriend’s praises in little things I do for him make me happy but it’s a different thing when not even your parents are proud of you. Shit, I’m like, one of the only cousins left from my generation that actually doesn’t have any kids, that is going to FINISH college and that doesn’t have any real drama going on in their lives. It feels like that isn’t good enough for them at all. I just feel so bummed out and stressed out that I can’t make them happy. The only three things that make me truly happy are my boyfriend, working out and baseball. With baseball season over I guess that only leaves me to two. 🙁
Tali:
When I read your blog, I instantly felt I can identify with your issue and your parents. I too feel like nothing I do is good enough. Or I use to anyway. I am sure there is a big difference in our ages, but I have struggled with the same issue. But now at 44 years old I realize that I did the best I could with my life and at this point take every day as it comes. I wanted more than anything to have validation from my mother and feel I never really got it. But as you get older you will realize that its your life and except things for the way they are. I struggle a great deal with "Approval Addiction". I read a book with the same title and it really helped me come to grips with just being me. My whole life I struggled with wanting to fit in and the only thing that seperated me from the other kids was that I could sing. And was successful.. But in the end I had to learn to be happy with me. And thats all that mattered. Your”re blessed to have a boyfriend that accepts you. I do not but have faith that that too will come in time. I have been dovorced for 10 years and I am learning to move forward still. It really devastated me and my life since he got custody of our only child a son. I have been greatly effected by the trauma of being separated from my little man. I eventually gave up my parental rights because my life became a total nightmare due to the ending of our 22 year relationship. Its a long story but i just came to a point where I was in a no win situation and an impossible one at that and made that decision and too this day still stand by that it was the best thing for my son. In time I believe he will want to know the truth and will come forward. As a mother I was put into a impossible situation and well, in the end whats best for the child is what matters. And again is what seperates me from most moms I know I truly did what was best for him. But my life has bever been the same and have had to pull my head up many times take a deep breathe and move on. Since the last time I saw him I have been in some very difficult situations and if I had him with mewould . I am a person of faith and do believe that my day will come. I woke up one morning and felt like ok I have to let go. And that of course was after spending 5 years in and out of court and having to pay 150.00 a week in child suuport to man of millionaire parents. The endless court appearances and the interviews with child protective services and dcf, and child psychologists etc was just too much and after really thinking about things I realized I was out of my league and if I was going to have a life at all I had to make a difficult choice. Not to mention having to go thru evaluations by psychologists and made to feel inadequate but in the end, I can say that I had my sons best interests at heart. In the bible in Exodus Chapter 2 moses”s mother placed her son into a basket to protect him from Herod who was ordering the killings of all the male babies so she sent him in a basket on the nile. Trusting God with his safety and well being. When I think about it that is exactly what I did. One day he will know I made the ultimate sacrafice to ensure he would live a great life. His grandparents et sent to the best college money can buy. And I have never doubted his dad loved him and would take excellent care of him. But I had to step outside of my desires and had to think of him. But my mom and dad suffered too. That was their grandson even tho they supported my decision. My mom actually brought suit forth to try and get grandparents rights but that was negated when they moved to florida. When the granparents retired to their million dollar mansion in the keys. My ex went too with my guy. SOoooo this year he graduates high school and yes I will be there and I want to just see him walk across that stage and receive his diploma. His first milestone of his adult life. I will attract no attention but will have peace of mind. Who knows God may whisper how close I am to him and a miracle could happen. But I know in my heart I must make an attempt.
Keep your head up and pray each day that God opens the right doors for you and that you have peace r life and watch things change! DB