I hate my life.

I did what I was supposed to.  I got a job.  I'm making money and althought I"m not completely independent I'm trying.

I still don't have friends.  I still don't have anyone to talk to…  And now i'm being told that i'm too sad and too angry the last couple of months… I talk too negatively about things… work, and family and life. 

I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.  I wish I didn't feel guilty for wishing that.  I wish it wasn't so hard to convey my thoughts and feelings without feeling like I"m overwhelming or upsetting other people.  I want to have my feelings validated and mean something in themselves without always worrying about everyone else around me. 

I hate everything so much.

And because I feel like I'm seen by most people in a certain way… that doctors think I'm crazy because the symptoms I complain of aren't showing up… or when I finally yell and cry and scream my frustration… then I'm just depressed.  I'm just that one thing…and the only thing that will help are antidepressants.  Why is it that I know something's wrong… I know that i don't feel well…  I know that a particular symptom isn't just a silly malady… why is it that I'm making it up and therefore a hypochondriac?  I know when I don't feel well.  I know when things hurt.  Those things can't always be paired down to depression and anxiety and the fact that I'm making myself sick… or being a victim to the craziness inside my head.

No more venting to family.  No more crying or getting angry and showing them… they don't get it.  I thought that they understood… but they don't.  I'm just a sad angry person they have to listen to.  So… here goes… I'm not going to vent with them anymore.  That's just what they've proved to me in the last month or so… they don't have time for me to be able to talk.   So what went from being fake at work and semi fake with family… now goes to being I can't be real with any of them.  I have to plaster a stupid smile on my face and nod and be some happy person otherwise I'm just the difficult kid who's begging for attention.

I hate this.  I'm sorry.