I wish I could just make myself take my medicine. I get such anxiety even thinking about taking it. There are so many reasons I feel so anxious about it. First, I feel like me taking medicine means that there is something wrong with me (like some kind of crazy sickness). Second is that I am breastfeeding and I am so scared that even trace amounts of it will get in my baby\'s system and something bad will happen to her because of it. If I took it and even fifty years down the road she had some kind of heart or other health issue I would feel like it was my fault. Third is that I feel like if I didn\'t panic over things I would somehow loose control of my life. I feel like I would slip up and not worry about something and something terrible would happen from my negligence. And, on and on. I could rationalize a thousand reasons not to take it. But, I could also name ten thousand reasons I should. I need to be happy, so my kids can grow up to be happy people. I need to really feel life, before I loose the chance to. I need to be in control of me and my emotions so I can seize the opportunities I come across. I need to change. I need to be strong. I need to understand that amongst all the bad and terrible things that do and could happen, there is wonderful and beautiful things I am not letting myself see right now. I owe it to myself and my kids to take the pill. I know this. Yet, I can sit there for an hour with it in my hand, and never let it even touch my lip. I don\'t exactly know what this is going on in my brain. I know I am not well. I know how much it hurts. I know what it is doing to me and everything in my life. Sometimes I just feel crazy. My thoughts never stop racing. At ANY point of time I can list at least five bad things I am thinking about repetively. Why? Why do I waste my time thinking about such terrible things. Somethings that haven\'t even happened, or are very unlikely. I can\'t be in a car, or even around a car without thinking about getting into a bad accident. Not just your average fender bender, my mind envisions bodies being thrown from the car and tons of blood, maybe even a baby in the front seat. Why would I imagine something like that? Why can\'t I just get into the car and think about, I dunno where I am going or something that doesn\'t involve a bloody tragedy. Now I can\'t sleep. I usually have been sleeping for three hours by now. It has never kept me awake like this before.

1 Comment
  1. jodeejo23 12 years ago

    i feel you on this i dont take meds but probably should..i fear death and cancer and dying i constantly think something terrible is going to happen ….but it hasnt yet so i need to move on you will be fine

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