As I may have mentioned before, what I'm experiencing is probably the worst episode of depression I've ever had.  I imagine it is because of the life changes and the fact that I am not in counseling anymore.  So, I'm experiencing some symtoms that I've never really had before.

I talked about the time I went through a painful episode when I was 14 and I had weight loss and would cry all the time.  When I was 19, I had another episode that lasted for about a year, off and on.  This was triggered, again, by a breakup.  During this one, I gained weight, cried a lot and became really withdrawn.  I've always been a shy person, but this is when I feel I actaully started to purposely isolate myself. 

The next time I had a major episode was when I was 21.  This was fueled by a very brief but very traumatic relationship with someone I barely knew.  Though this was probably the most traumatic experience of my life…the period of major depression didn't last longer than a few months.  I lost weight, became very withdrawn and felt physically sick (nausea and stomach problems mostly).

Now I find myself depressed again…I'm not in an unhealthy relationship but I've had irregular work and irregular income for going on 2 years.  I was offered a job at a newspaper that I thought would end my problems..but, as luck would have it, the newspaper laid off all the new employees after a week. 

I've lost weight, I won't sleep at night but will sleep long into the morning, I have migraine headaches, I cry all the time, I'm withdrawn, I clench my teeth without realizing it, I have vivid suicidal thoughts.

I also have been having these horrific nightmares.  They are extremely disturbing and when I wake up from them I am afraid to go back to sleep.   Last night I dreamt that I was sharing a bed wtih two men and whenever I fell asleep they would wake up and cut me with knives and various weapons.  I would fight sleep but would ultimately drift off and wake up to the men mutilating me with knives.  They would make little cuts in patterns or scrape off pieces of my skin, they wouldn't do anything that would kill me but they seemed to want me to bleed as much as possible. 

The other night I has a dream that I was walking down the street and I saw a little girl get shot by police officers.  They killed her and blood flowed down the sidewalk she was on.  Later in the dream, the girl's family asked me to babysit their other children.  One was a healthy little boy, two were babies who were very thin and frail looking.  They mother claimed she adopted them to replace her daughter.  She was also pregnant.  As I was taking care of them, I glanced out the window to see two horses pulling a cart which held a coffin.  In the coffin was the little girl, covered in blood, her body only taking up about 1/4 of the coffin. 

I want these dreams to stop because it's making my insomnia worse since I'm now afraid to sleep.  I don't watch horror movies or read scary books, so I don't know how my mind is thinking of this stuff….

2 Comments
  1. lostsmiles 13 years ago

    wow, i feel your pain. its amazing how we depressives share so much in common. you sound like such an amazing person, nad just as u have had, i have had a number of traumaticevents that have led to major depression. for me the man i had loved for 5 years who i knew was no good for me..i had cried 1 year straight over him, and eventually a piece of him faded away everyday, but the hurt and pain has lingered. my smoking has gotten worse, and i really want to stop, i have migraines as well. we have so much in common. as for the dreams, they say dreams are just a manifestation in sleep of what we experience in the reality. i don’t agree, sometimes i think its a message that is sent to us from God, but in your case, i think your dreams are just symbolic of all ur hurt adn pain..about how little by little we have let people come into our lives that have cut and scraped away a little of our beings as people. i am not a pyschologist but i sure have read my share of self help books. i don’t know if you are religious, but besides trying to get into therapy again, i think you should count on your faith. have a relationship with God. i am learning to build a relationship with him all over again. i think we depressives are special people, i think we are the chosen ones who have to endure this to show us or remind us that we are stronger than we think. i wish much success to you and i am gonna pray for you…take care

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  2. sheilafoley3 13 years ago

    Sorry you are having such a hard time.  I go to bed when I'm depressed and sleep as much as possible.  But sleeping too much and probably not eating enough gives me migraines.  Those are horrible.  Are you able to go back to counseling?  If you are having such vivid suicidal thoughts you need to get help NOW!  I hope you find the courage to do so.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Take Care,

    Sheila

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