I just joined this community today. I’ve been feeling a little low the past couple days, but today I had something pretty inconsequential trigger me into a pretty decent-sized depression. I’m still learning about depression; I was formally diagnosed with it 3 years ago, but I’ve had it for a long time.

I’m in the process of slowly ‘outing’ myself to friends and family as having this, so that they understand if I suddenly don’t feel like doing something I had previously committed to do. I don’t really want to talk to them about it; I just want them to know, and somehow magically understand what I go through. Maybe they research it, but probably not. I just wish they knew how hard it is sometimes to keep up the whole charade of a ‘normal life’ when you feel the worst pain you’ve ever felt. 

I’ve been on prozac for 3 years and it’s been really good for me. Every few months something goes wrong (I don’t expect any drug or my taking of it to be foolproof), and then I end up staying up half the night crying. By morning this feeling will probably (hopefully!!!) be gone. But when I have it, good lord is it ever painful!! Nobody understands this. I tell them I take prozac, because of depression, and they say, "Oh wow…" or "I’m sorry" or ":(" but they don’t KNOW. At least here, people know what I’m talking about.

So the thing that triggered me into this latest bout of sadness has actually snared me before (numerous times). I haven’t seriously dated anybody since 2006, when I got this diagnosis. I’ve "dated" people but I was never emotionally committed to them like I should have been. Most of the time I am fine with being alone; I like living alone, I like spending the day by myself shopping or reading. I spend plenty of time being social around other people by going out to dj (my side career) and going dancing at electronic music events. Every once in a while, though, I’ll meet someone I really like. And then I think, "Well, I’ll never get to be with that person, because he’s normal and I’m not." 

Will I ever find someone that I like (rare enough in and of itself) who is also going to like me back at that same level? I feel like I’ve almost never had that experience. If some guy tries to latch onto me, inevitably he’s not at the same intelligence level as me, or he likes some weird kind of music that I hate, or he’s allergic to animals, or he is moving to Australia in 3 months, etc. 

To quote the website, FML. I know this will pass but in the meantime, I’ll just hang out here I guess! 🙁


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