Was the party a curse in disguise– a "wakeup call" of some sort in that it reminded me that I will have to say goodbye once again to another niece that I adore who's going away to school in a few short months, that I will have to relive that heartache and sadness all over again just like I did with her older sister a couple of years ago?....ANd this goes for her twin brother–my nephew–as well….but…that's still a few months away…all of the sadness and heartache at seeing them go isn't supposed to hit me until then, right?…So why in the HELL is it hitting me now?!?…Besides, this time when they leave, won't I be able to deal with it better this time knowing that, come hell or high water, I TOO will be going back to school this upcoming fall semester, even if it just has to be one freaking class for now?…Shouldn't that lessen the pain???…Since so much of what haunts me is that I never finished college–never got a degree–and feeling all sorts of shameful feelings for that, beating myself up over it perpetually over these years, driving it into me that my OWN NIECES AND NEPHEWS ARE GROWN UP NOW AND GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL AND ARE GOING TO GET COLLEGE DEGREES, and feeling the residual shame and embarrassment and depression and panic and from that, well, now that I know that I am detemined to finally go back to school myself….I mean, is it really still that devastating to me to know that they will be gone to the point that it outweighs my ability to be happy about my own return to school?…..
–Do I deep down harbor doubts still that I will return to school, or that I will be able to(there are legitimate financial concerns that I have to deal with before I can make it happen)?…Will depression/anxiety continue to ensue over this matter until I'm officially enrolled?
–– Why didn't doing something that I thought for sure would help to fend off the depression and anxiety that I felt lurking, why didn't it help? I want to FREAKING KNOW why watching "Almost Famous", one of my all-time favorite movies–one that has really been on my mind a lot lately, one that I really felt would be enjoyable to watch after I returned home from the party, one that my mind was telling me would be a great thing for me to watch to make me feel good and fend off the demons I was fearful were lurking on the horizon, because it is such a wonderfully funny, intelligent, "feel-good" movie–I want to know WHY DIDN'T THAT HELP?!? WHY DID MY MIND TELL ME IT WOULD but it somehow STILL DIDN'T?!?…WHY DID IT END UP BEING A SUCH A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO ASSAULT THE DEMONS?!?…THAT made me feel even MORE DEPRESSED AND overcome with anxiety: the fact that watching this film that I absolutely love and adore didn't help.
End of Part 2