I love the holidays, I really do….

But the holidays when family gets together are their own special kind of hell. I love my mom I do, but she is impatient on a good day, and the holidays are worse. Nothing feels good enough and nothing is done fast enough. I am a disaster in the kitchen so if she wants me to do anything other than clean the house I am in an anxious spiral trying my hardest to pretend nothing is happening, because “It’s insert holiday name, family is going to be here soon, you can’t look like you were crying again.” I have gotten so sick of that statement. I remember on Christmas 2019 was the first time I debated calling 988 and while I’m crying over that my mom comes over a says “I need you to go to your happy place because it’s Christmas people are coming over and we are going to be happy,” and walked away. It was such an expected thing for me to cry all the time that she didn’t even care other than to be exasperated with me, and worried that I ruin everybody else’s holiday. The pandemic was actually kind of a relief, because it meant no family gatherings.