<p>I've been quite tight-lipped lately with people. I'm kinda amazed with that, as I've always been quite open to people if they show that they are willing to listen. In some ways, I have been trying to avoid thinking or dwelling on the idea that I haven't been doing so well…but it's only gotten so much tougher now with all the stress in my life now. It used to be the case that being SUPER busy got me to not think about my depression, but now it seems that being super busy and super stressed to that same level makes me realize how much more helpless I am, how much more doomed…how much alone…how much more worthless I am. It makes me feel like I'm struggling alone. It is a fact, I AM struggling with things alone,…and it really feels like I can't make it.</p>

<p>I seriously think one day soon that I'm going to die because of stress or the "d-disease." If you could see me right now, you'd notice that my complexion versus someone else's is different. I'd look soo pale standing next to someone (won't be that obvious if you're just looking at me in person or in a photo alone), and a different pale…not like the pale that you get by the end of winter or something like that. I'm physically not the same anymore, and it's only gotten worse. I've deteriorated so much. My hair doesn't feel/look the same lately either. Sometimes I just wish…….just get it over with, you know what I'm getting at? I know that I'm more pale than most people long ago but, lately, people have been asking if I'm okay because I look really pale. This is a first that people are asking me that. I'm wondering if it's going to be a regular thing to hear now…Is anybody else finding that their health is deteriorating in so many ways??</p>

<p>And someone in my family is trying his best to take care of me and is worried so much, that I worry that he's going to neglect his own health because of me…=( Guilt…</p> 

<p> And things would be a little easier maybe if I had someone around who I trust and feel comfortable with and can joke around with…I included the latter cuz I don't always feel like talking about stuff to people face to face when I'm down. Thing is, though I say I wish I had someone to turn to when I'm feeling very low, I feel like even if there was somebody, I cannot ever fully open up to anybody. I recently realized this, that I just can't. I mean, I might talk about certain deeply private things with someone but I would disappear for long periods of time (won't be in touch with the person), because I don't find myself being able to reach out for help. It often feels so pointless to, cuz when I'm struggling with something and crying, and can't get myself to do anything else, etc., I can only wait it out…and so many other things…No matter what, I'll always feel like I'm alone in this life. I think I'm messed for life.</p>

<p>Though I say that I feel all alone despite everything, I truly am grateful for all of you. Without you guys, there's nowhere for my thoughts to go, and nothing to lessen that feeling of "struggling all alone." I hope things are going well for all of you. I'm probably just going through a really depressive episode to be thinking all the above… :/</p>

<p>Take better care of yoruselves better than I do of myself.</p>