I am really not doing my best, right now.  Shaky as hell… 

I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something.  I could easily tumble in either direction.  Sitting here, smoking a cigarette, and rocking out to Elliot Smith, in a terry cloth robe that’s more like a blanket, I know I have to get off my ass.  I know I have to start the day.  I have to get ready, and go to outpatient.  It’s very important to get there on time, every day, but especially on Saturdays.  Man, I don’t want to deal with today.  I want no part of it.  Not these cramps…  not the thoughts in my head, or the sounds of the city…  I resent the [email protected] sky itself, right now.  Daylight can hurt my eyes when my allergies are this bad (my eyes get so irritated – I need sunglasses).  F@ck daylight – it’s overrated, anyway (haha).  I should just become nocturnal.

I wrote the above, and failed to hit "submit."  So, now, I am home from outpatient, among other errands, and feeling a little better.  Still need to eat something.  I am running on empty, at the moment.  Charlie is off to work. 

This entry has been sitting here, half written for hours.

It’s pretty exciting, the prospect of having my photography in a show, in September.  I am going to continue to show it around – that gallery owner was just the first person I talked to.  I also did some pretty cool sketches, last night.  My sketches are more a hobby – writing comes first, then photography (and that’s sort of the order of things – I take pictures far better than I sketch and I write better than I do anything else).  I think this last group of sketches are good.  (I will photograph some of them and post them soon – I did post some recent pix of myself in my DT gallery the other day – I know it’s ben a whiIe) am not on Maggie’s level, or anything, but I am definitely improving.  I need to take more pictures of the lake, since the guy who owns the gallery seemed to want to do a series of those.  I am really trying to stay creative, and productive – I had to take a break from the play, while I was kicking.  The subject matter was too difficult to deal with.  I am nervous about going back to it, on a number of levels (afraid I will think it’s crap, now, afraid I won’t be able to piece it together well, after taking so much time away – afraid the whole project is just going to fall apart when I touch it, again).  But, I know I will not feel right, as an artist, no matter how well I am doing with the visual arts, until I get cracking on the play, again.  I just have to make a start.  Once, I open the file, and start in on it, I think it will come back – the full-time writer gig is what I do.  Even at my worst, that’s first, and foremost, who I am – a writer.  But, having these other outlets does feel good.  It makes me feel like I am still creating – still putting some perspective that’s worth capturing out there, into the universe.  That’s all any of us can do – as artists, we put our thoughts and images out there, and as people look for beauty in the world, someone just might grab onto one of our creations – like a child catching a firefly (a little emerald star, weaving it’s green light through the night sky, until it’s gently cupped in the hands of a someone trying to comprehend something beautiful in the world – if only for a moment).  My writing is usually very sad but I try to stitch a sort of beauty into that sadness. 

Sometimes, it’s easier for me to capture the beauty of heartbreaking human interactions.  The happier stuff can so easily come off as silly or trite – even sappy. 

Speaking of heartbreaking human interactions…

So, Charlie and I have more or less agreed to live together, and be there for each other, attempting to enjoy ourselves, and whatnot, until we know better what we want.  I told him it was okay that he didn’t know.  So much has changed.  Sometimes, I feel like I’ve come out of a seven year coma.

I haven’t been right for a long time.  Obviously, I was still enough myself to keep Charlie loving me, but my mind was clearly in distress.  He ignored it – pretended I wasn’t getting more and more unhinged until all my instability blew up in his face.  (If he’d said something sooner, the heroin would have been a central issue, and he wasn’t ready to let that go – it was obviously making me crazier.)

I have to do a lot of sh*t for myself, to have the kind of life I want, and to be the kind of person I want to be, at this point in my life.  I still love him, and I know he still loves me, but I have to focus on my own wellness and happiness, at the moment, or I won’t be any good for anyone.  I think this idea of getting to know each other as we are, now, and seeing where it goes…  I think it’s the most promising spot we could be in, under the circumstances.  It’s certainly an improvement.

Now, that I know it’s possible (for us to reconcile)…  that is a bit of a game changer.  I had said previously that if he gave me any hint of a chance (any chance, no matter how small), that I would throw myself into that, hard core, with everything I had.  Now…  I feel like that would be a mistake.  For one, he’s VERY unenthusiastic about discussing the subject.  He obviously isn’t ready to let go, but he doesn’t seem like he’s about to start acting like he’s really my man, either.  And, he lost all interest in touching me so long ago…  I don’t know.  Now that I know the marriage can be saved (that there is some chance – and knowing Charlie as I do, I would say it has to be a decent chance, or he never would have alluded to it), I am confronted with the question:  should my marriage be saved?

Charlie was never good for me.  I didn’t care.  We loved each other so much, through so many messed up things that happened…  we went to hell and back together, and went through more BS than most people could fathom, to take care of each other, and stay together.  Our bond was so powerful and passionate – even when the sex started to die out, I still felt so connected to him.  There was never any question in my mind, where I belonged.  But, he has kept this distance in place, since the fit hit the shan in March (no I-love-you’s, nothing physical, and this over all sense that he’s not telling me what he really thinks, of me, or about us).

Right now, I am just going to keep riding out, and see where I land.  He’s not at all sure, and he’s certainly not pursuing the restoration of anything romantic, at the moment.  So, I figure I keep dealing with me – trying to keep myself sane, well, and productive.  These things will ultimately mean a great deal whether I stay with Charlie, or not.  He has voiced many times that he is proud of me – I have made a lot of positive changes.

My life has improved a great deal in a short time.  Like my apartment – you can still tell that there’s a lot to be done, but it looks so much better than it did.  It’s comforting to come home to a less chaotic, cleaner environment, and it things are continuing to improve, as I maintain my momentum (with the housework, I try to clean for at least twenty minutes, every day, and the place is really coming along.

My mind isn’t always on board.  Like, this a.m. – I was teetering, and easily could’ve slipped into the abyss – a black hole of depression.  But, I thought about Ace, and how he’s been struggling.  I know we can’t always control these things, but sometimes, we can fight that dull hurt, that rolls in like a sea of storm clouds, drowning out the sun.  Sometimes, we can say to ourselves, "I REJECT THIS," and we can cling to the happier, more reassuring thoughts.  The warmer, gentler stuff, that you wrap yourself up in, when you need a place to hide, for a while.  I have some happiness to take refuge in, at the moment, even though my life is still in total upheaval – I know I am moving toward something better, even if I don’t know what that is.  So, I am going to keep beating back these painful thoughts – they can creep up like ninjas (the little [email protected]), and try to hold onto a some amount of peace.  And, while I’m doing so, I’ll be thinking about you, Ace, and hoping that you’re managing to do the same.  🙂


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