If it’s not my depression that will kill me one day, it’ll probably be my anxiety.

In the past maybe 5 months, I’ve noticed a different feel in the way my heart was beating a couple of times, under times of stress. Somebody at work one time had to go home from work and didn’t come back until maybe a couple of days or something because she said her chest was hurting so badly. She said it was due to stress…I’m worried that it’ll be my turn soon. And with the career that I am trying to pursue, I don’t even know if I’m actually just placing myself in the perfect circumstances of stressing out more, and I will never get that dream…Wow, I never knew that I had any dreams (the other kind of dreams, not the ones you get while you’re unconscious), but I just realized that my ultimate dream is to have everything secured and to just be able to focus on myself and actually “LIVING” life. I feel like even if I accomplish my goal, that I will not be able to live my life. I will be devoted to others…which isn’t all bad, but concentrating only on others all the time is bound to have negative effects on me.

Yesterday, she said that she fears that I will not get that career because my grades might not be good enough. I told her that I’m afraid that I might actually get this career (at this very moment, that’s what’s on my mind, but I also have days when I fear what she fears). I told her what these 2 high school teachers whom I still email sometimes said. I told her that I’ll be worse than what they say because that’s how it is. For example, when one person tells me that a course is hard, then I can expect that the course will be even hardER for me. I said that my career will probably kill me, that I’m probably going to get a heart attack very soon. I bitterly joked, “I guess I’ll have heart failure at 25, what age do you want to bet on?” As can be expected, she ignores everything that I’m saying. She KNOWS that I worry and stress a lot, but she ignores that, because she’s worried about what’s important to HER — not my health, that’s for sure. Nobody believes what I say or feel…What will make everybody believe me is if that bad thing I say actually happens. And by then nothing can be done.

Two times so far, there’s this feeling of tightness in my chest, and I feel very faint. And it’s funny cuz when I experience that, it was during times when I didn’t feel SO stressed. There was some stress, but not as much as I’ve experienced before. And yesterday, yesterday was not so bad compared to all week, but by 11pm, everything was spinning, and I had to tumble my way into bed. I guess my body was holding up until it was safe to give up.

She was asking me, “So what are you going to do?” when I was saying that my career will probably kill me in the end, and I said, “Hope that I die early.” At some point, I was crossing the street, but at the speed that the car was coming, I probably would’ve been hit if the driver hadn’t slowed down…but I just kept watching the car coming as I was walking, almost defiant. I don’t know why I felt that way. That feeling comes and goes.

The harder I try to keep at distance from people who are/were (I don’t know which) most important to me, the more they want to come closer. I just want some peace, but being around these people have me spinning back to those negative feelings.

I’m starting to think too much again. Should end this.