so here I am…6:13am, been up since 4.  I would love to just sleep until noon one day.  that would be awesome…but it never happens.  I agreed to go visit my sister today.  I am a little nervous.  I may take my friend Pat with me to ease some of the pressure.  That is if he wants to go.  I don't think that things will ever be the same between LuAn and I.  Things were really bad between us after my mom died 6 years ago…and eventually we just stopped talking to each other.  Well more specifically I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital and she called the hospital and told me she would never visit me there and that my dad molested her as a child and that it was my fault.  How it was my fault I have no idea seeing as she is 10 years older and my mom and dad were married about 5 years and divorced by the time I was a year old.  How can that possibly be my fault?  anyway that was the last conversation we had for over 2 years…I even moved away from her and never let her know where I went.  I ended up sending her an email stating exactly how I felt.  this was at the advice of my psychiatrist.  then one day she contacted me on facebook and we chatted for awhile.  then she invited me over to her house for dinner and it turned out that she had moved too…about 6 miles from me!  Athat freaked me out a little.  she still had no idea where I lived and I will admit that I was hesitant to tell her.  I went to dinner and it went well…but my niece and nephew and there sig others were there too so the pressure of hanging out one on one was relieved.  then I finally told her where I lived and she came here to see my apartment.  that was a little weird.  just her and I…Now today I have been invited to her house and it will also be one on one…unless I can convince Patrick to come with me.  I am hoping he will.  Even though we are talking again i am sure things will never be the same.  I can't trust her.  She is really my only family except for my niece and nephew (they are both in their 20s and stayed in touch with me, in secret, while my sister and I were not talking).  I wonder what this all means…will I be invited to Christmas?  Maybe I could have christmas here.  that would be really nice.  My sister does not believe in tradition but I do and I would have Christmas with my moms traditions in full force.  only I do not know how to cook a roast beef.  My mom would have cooked a stuffed standing rib roast and I have no idea how to do that.  I bet this is all just a pipe dream…she will probably spend the holidays with her new boyfriends family.  I am desperate to have a real christmas…the way my mom would have done.  

I have been thinking about my mom lately…hell all the time.  I miss her so much it hurts,,,physically hurts in my heart and stomach.  I would give anything to talk with her,  really talk to her.  I have no idea how to survive without her,  I know its been 6 years but It has been a very difficult 6 years where I have been consumed with debilitating depression…just floundering and lost.  being the family pariah has not helped.  I do love my sister. but I do not trust her.  I feel like if I make one false move I will be out of the family again.  that is a lot of pressure.  I do not handle pressure well.

I found out that she is having problems with her white blood cell count and its not a simple infection.  I am worried…I am not ready to watch my sister suffer if it turns out to be something serious like cancer…and I am not ready to be the matriarch of the family.  I know, don;t get ahead of yourself…maybe its nothing.

I am so afraid to let my guard down with her but I could really use a big sister.  I am just not sure she is capable of that.  I am trying to have no expectations…but its hard.

sorry for rambling.  Just feeling very anxious and lost today.

On a good note my friend gave me a moon flower when I was in the hospital in may and it was only a few inches tall.  Now its feet tall and has gotten its first flower…please check out the pics below.  they show the bud then halway open and then fully open…I was surprised that it turned out to be such a big flower.  It is just beautiful.  Ok so I can't seem to upload the imaged to this blog so I am going to add them to my profile…check them out…I am very excited that the flowers are finally here.