What I really hate about life is the whole… well first let me explain how I see my life.
I see it as today and, "tomorrow" I don't focus on the furture too much, I used to and that was when my anxiety was @ its worst. Now I just rest my soul with the fact that all I need to have a good future is money. Which I'm saving. Anyway, When i think about "today" and "tomorrow" I think of my life in 4 worlds (have I lost you yet?) I think of one part my family life, the next is my work (the 2 jobs I'm holding), then there is school (are my grades good enough yet?) and last but not least my social life, being my boyfriend and friends.
I have come to admit that as much as I try to be perfect there is no way I can have all the worlds balanced. Its pretty much that I have to pick on over the other.
Obviously for me family comes first although that one seems to be the most shakey but if I pay more attention to it, it bounces right back.
Second is my social life. Not that my friends are a huge part of that, but my boyfriend is. When he is happy, I get such a high. and when its me who made him happy, I feel like nothing can touch me. That sometimes is rocky…. for awhile it was awesome for like 2 months straight but now its back to being aliitle shaky, but its my job to even it out. I know I don't pay enough attention to it as I should.
This is where I have to make a hard decission, what comes first, work or school? I still can't answer that, I guess it changes everyday. Somedays I love work, other days I love school. I have never hated work, but I have hated school.
For me work it a zen zone for me. I feel like I have power and I know what I'm doing and most important, I'm good @ it. If I wasn't good @ it, I would be a huge flake wwith it. I also think about how this is my future. How with work I get money and money will make my life, my furture. So its alittle hard to not be passionate about it. Sometimes I put work before everything( which is wrong I know) but I wish sometimes people would see… the future instead of the day by day life. If they understood that my dad will not give me any money for a car, for school, ect. simply because he can't afford it. People might understand why I take my job so seriously. But of course no one really does. Austin is understanding about it, but sometimes he'll wake me up when he is feeling neglected. and if he didn't, I probably wouldn't change. I need him to keep me in check. My dad will tell me whenwork is playing to big a part in my life, but he knows he can't tell me to stop because he lives with the money issue.
Okay look I'm just rambling, I just needed to get this out because I'm saying this in my head over and over again and I can never really get it out.
My feelings I know I can't put onto the screen because they don't even have a name.
Sometimes I feel depressed, most of the time restless, there is always something to do.
Other times I feel strong, sexy, in control, which I like but sometimes I get tired of having so much, too much. Okay I'll stop now, I feel like 110% better! Take care to all
again, sorry for type-o's: work with me people!