I can’t sleep.
I’ve had nightmares last night and now it’s tough to sleep. I’m a bit scared to go to sleep, even though I have to be awake by 7am.
My body feels fried… more so, my mind feels fried.
I feel like I am in survival mode… like I have been in a long battle with anxiety for years now, since the assault. I mean, I’ve had anxiety since I was a child, but then after being assaulted in college, the anxiety got much more intense. It is a daily struggle. It makes me feel helpless. It is exhausting.
It is tough to even leave the house. It is tough to go to work. It is tough to go to parties, or to hang out with friends. I am a young woman and it is really frightening to do anything at all. I feel stuck, with this anxiety.
I reached out to a crisis line tonight and when I was speaking to the person helping me, it felt like they were wrapping me in a warm hug. I haven’t felt like that, after talking to someone in a long time. I feel like I could use a hug right now.. just a long, comforting hug. I want to feel like everything will be okay and I will be safe. I haven’t felt safe in a really long time. I feel like I’m always on edge, always jumpy, easily startled, like any little sounds sets me off. Like I’m constantly scared of everything and I’m just trying to survive.
I am exhausted. I need sleep and a vacation.
I need help. Â I need to work on my self-care.
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling, I wish I could do more to help. Even though it might not always seem like you are improving. You’re incredibly strong and resilient. Please reach out whenever you want. Ill always do anything I can to help you.
Thank you so much!
That means a lot.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I was about your same age when i was abused. My mind blocked most of it out. ( the really bad parts) and all these years later i am still working to understand who i am. It will be OK but you will always need to care for yourself. Body and mind. You can do it.
Thank you so much for that.
It has been a bit tough to care for myself lately, but I am slowly realizing just how important it is.
I have recently gotten back into my nighttime routine with some chamomile tea and some soothing lavender lotion. That has been very relaxing, and I am committed to getting more self-care.
I feel like I have blocked out some of the abuse, but there is a part of it that I remember very vividly… and that part sticks out to me from time to time, haunting me still.
I really appreciate your comment and your support.
Hey,
I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through. It sounds so unrelenting.
A long-ago Triber, I don’t hang here much these days, so I’m not sure how much group conversation there is about up-and-coming therapeutic modalities. If you don’t know of Bessel van Der Kolk’s work (esp his _The Body Keeps the Score_), you might want to check it out. Also, Irene Lyon has some great resources (free and for pay) for people negotiating extreme nervous system dysregulation stemming from complex trauma. I find that the free meditations on the hello inner light YouTube channel are wonderfully calming and healing. Look up “havening” for some ideas on how to give yourself a really quality hug.
You absolutely can lead your system out of fight or flight and gradually build more capacity to be with your inner and outer triggers! It’s not an overnight thing but it is transformational.
We’re all so much stronger, grander, and more loving than the crappy things that have happened to us.
Sending you courage, peace, and hugs.
–Annie
Thank you so much for that! It has been so exhausting lately.
I have purchased The Body Keeps the Score for Kindle, and will plan to read that.
I also looked at Irene Lyon’s website and I found some of the resources to be helpful.
I will look at havening as well.
I appreciate your kind words so much!
Sincerely, Shelby